I was changing some of the details of our plan, to lower the monthly payment. Frankie's line has been suspended since October 18, 2008. His name is still the main name on the account. His phone is still the primary number. His super-secret password is still needed to gain access.
The guy helping me was super nice, and we were laughing a lot, and he was newly married in San Diego (same as Frankie and I). When he started asking questions about the suspended line because it was giving him trouble in making changes to the account and about Frankie, I had to fill him in. "My husband is deceased. We suspended his line before he went overseas to Afghanistan. He was killed over there."
He gently asked, "Would you like me to cancel his line? His name will still be on the account, until you provide documentation, but we can remove that line, if you want?"
My stomach started feeling sick, and that question felt so heavy. I mean, why would I not cancel it? It would make sense to right? But, why was it making me feel this way? Maybe because that line signifies in a very small way the joining of our lives together --- What couples do after they get married: joint phone account, joint bank account, joint e-mail, for us even a joint facebook.
This means that his line no longer exists. His phone number that we spent countless hours on could belong to someone else. I can't call him anymore, ever again.
"Yes.... You can cancel it."
He politely said, "You can leave it on if you would like." I think he saw my light attitude diminish for a second.
I said, "No, I just haven't had the heart to do it myself, but obviously I don't need it."
It just got me thinking about how much I miss talking to Frankie, hearing his sweet voice and his amazing laugh. It feels like forever ago since we last talked. We upped our minutes while he was gone from 700 to 1400. We used them all every month, and sometimes went over. Now, I only average around 400, if that.
I miss our amazing, deep, funny, loving conversations, about everything. I miss hearing his voice crack and him trying not to cry over how much he missed me. Yes, Frankie would cry. :) He wasn't the type to hold back how he was truly feeling. I love that about him.
I miss my husband. I just miss him so much.
I will still talk to him minus phone line --- at least we cut costs. :)
Trying to look at the bright side. bleh! :( And the bright side really sucks most times, and is actually pretty dark lately.
4 years and 3 months baby and 33 minutes! I love you and miss you so much. Hope to talk to you in my dreams.
Forever yours, B
|Our favorite photo, that we always carried with us anytime we were away from one another. We thought it was the perfect photo to have at our wedding. |
I decided to stay for six months to be by myself away from everyone. Hawaii was home for our first two years of married life. Our paradise. Our blessing of a duty station. Moving back was my way of trying to find healing, to be in a place that we loved so much and to force myself to face doing things on my own again.
I did the things we would have done, only solo most of the time. The grief was overwhelming and made me fear what was ahead sometimes, but all I had to do was go to a place I loved, or a place Frankie would have loved, (usually one in the same) and I would feel better. The beach, a hike, to the movies, out to dinner, take a swim in the ocean, on a bike ride, or a long run. It was strange at first doing everything on my own, but I thought --- well... I better get used to it, because I knew long before he was killed that if anything ever happened to one of us, we were still married for time and all eternity. We talked about it once, after a grand-parent had passed, when we were only a few months into dating, and we both locked eyes, tears formed --- and we both said without saying it that we would wait... while our heads nodded in agreement. It was too difficult even then to imagine life without one another, and six years later even more unbearable to fathom.
I lived in a different town on a different shore of the island, only because I found a beautiful, safe place to live, and I know Frankie would have been adamant about me finding somewhere with a gated complex, security, a parking garage, and a dead-bolt lock; all on the highest floor, of course.
He was always nervous about me being alone. I have always been very independent, with a good head on my shoulders. I moved to New York at 17 just after graduating high school by myself, but Frankie never wanted anything to happen to me while he was away... I think it was his worst fear --- I know exactly how he felt.
So here I was alone --- without Frankie --- but with him too. With him in our love, and in our memories. It was such a difficult time for me, but a beautiful time for me as well. I learned so much more about how our love truly would never fade and how I know without a doubt that our marriage is eternal. I learned that he is with me where ever I choose to take him. I learned that my heart, though shattered at the thought of facing this life without him, would make it through, and that it was because of the gift of him that I am able to feel peaceful and somehow content at facing the deepest void a human being can possibly feel. I felt that peace almost immediately, and always in my darkest hours.
I learned that our love, our beautiful gift of love from God would always give me joy, and that I have so much to be thankful for. So much beyond description really. I learned I will take Frankie with me everywhere I go. Any path I choose to take is mine for the taking, because I know he wants me to experience this life as fully as possible, and I know he will be waiting and preparing for my return, and then we will know true paradise and we will be home together forever.
And I know he will be proud that I did it by myself --- all alone....but not really.
|Frankie would have loved it here --- so I had to take a semi-illegal photo... :)|
I am so thankful for making such great friends.
I cannot wait for our next trip! Somewhere warmer next time! :)
Funny Travel Story:
Me speaking to retried military man and wife on airplane after he noticed my bracelet,
I tell him about Frankie being killed.
He asks me if I am dating again, or if it is too soon?
I say, No, and I know that I never will and that Frankie is still my husband and that death does not stop love.
Man looks skeptical.
Later in the conversation, I ask him if him and his wife have children after he asked me the same question... I answer the same way every time: No, unfortunately. They decided to never have any children.
I tell him I got a fur baby.
He brightens up all excited and says that they had the same dog for 18 years. They rescued him, and he tells me he was the perfect dog. He never bit, peed in the house, he loved people, and was like their child. After losing him they knew that he could never be replaced because there could never be a more perfect dog.
They never even considered getting another pet.
Me not being able to help myself say: Sounds like me with my husband! :)
It is amazing how one day can be so amazing, and then there are days like today where the realization hits that Frankie was killed only 18 months ago today. Today had its ups and downs. I shared laughs and tears at lunch with Amanda (Frankie's sister) and an amazing friend I met who he trained with at Fort Riley. Dinner was spent with good friends we made in Hawaii.... but there was a cloud on the whole day, because it is the 27th. It was hard to lift that cloud. It is hard knowing that when I drive to the cemetery, that I will be doing this the rest of my life, until I am in the grave with him.
I love him more today than last.
I will love him forever.
So far it is not easier, and sometimes I wonder how breath continues to fill my lungs.
And I know it comes from him. From the love he breathes into me.
And when I feel it, my love, my heart beats so fast and so hard I get all "light - chested" like we used to say, and I know you are here, and I know that you will continue to fill me with your love all of my life.
That smile on my face now is from the love I have been so blessed to feel.
That motivation to continue comes with the hope that I will live my life to reach you someday.
I miss you Frankie. I love you. As you did to me --- I will make you so proud.
"It isn't letting go
The only part I don't really like, is the beginning about going on. I hate anything with the connotation of "life goes on" or "moving on"
I understand that life goes on, trust me.... when it felt like the world should have stopped moving...It didn't.....
but for me it is about moving forward --- trying to embrace life again, with all that has been taken from me for now.
I am trying to keep that all-important eternal perspective. I like to say I am moving
And somehow I know Frankie is always by my side, and will be my side
"And so make life, and death, and that vast forever one grand sweet song."
- Charles Kingsley
With every setting sun my love grows for you Frankie. A hui hou!
Everybody but you."
It is amazing really how so many scatter and disconnect from the grieving. It is almost like a separate loss after already losing everything. After Frankie's burial, we had a beautiful gathering, where everyone just got up if they felt like it and said a favorite memory, or a funny story about something they did with Frankie. There were some tears, but mostly laughing out loud at the crazy things Frankie would do, or praising him for his amazing qualities.
I remember when his Dad got up, he asked everyone who was there not to forget me, and then had them raise their hands if they would be here to support me in the long-run.
EVERYONE raised their hands --- and at that moment, it felt great --- I felt a little reassured.
But now, most of those hands are just blurs of a broken promise. Not all, but most.
I say I am doing fine, or great... and they pretend to believe me. Or they just don't care enough to even find out.
Sorry, I usually try to keep things pretty positive on here, for Frankie ---
And for me, but this is such a strange reality for me.
I am a widow --- not a leper.
I am amazed by this concept really, and frustrated, but I have learned there are amazing people out there and I have learned to rely on them ---
But mostly, I have learned to rely on myself, and on our love.
I have learned to raise my hand, for my own happiness --- and am eternally grateful for Frankie's unconditional love and for the people who have helped me when my arm feels weak.
I am so excited his name will be Kailua. Frankie and I picked that name out to always remember our first long-term duty station in Hawaii. One of our favorite places in the world. The place that will always remind me of our first and second year of marriage. The place where we would takes walks or runs almost everyday down to the beach. I loved holding his hand, talking and laughing about everything, but mostly our about our future together, and how we could not believe how blessed we had been so far and could not wait for so much more to come.
Having a puppy is a big step for me because to me it represents so many things. First -- I am ready to take care of not only myself, but another living creature. Next, I am actually imagining being here on this earth for another 10 - 15 years of my dog's lifespan. Right after Frankie was killed, I thought God would be nice and find a way to take me right along with him s
|The Toner's Pup|
"lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance traveled,
the time spent, or the costs involved for
"just a dog."
Some of my proudest moments have come about with
"just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was
"just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog,"
and in those days of darkness,
the gentle touch of "just a dog"
gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog,"
then you will probably understand phases
like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or
"just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence
of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and
patience that make me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early,
take long walks and look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams
of the future, the fond memories of the past,
and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and
diverts my thoughts away from myself and the
worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that
it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps
me from being "just a man."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog."
just smile, because they "just don't understand."
—Gordon B. Hinckley
My Birthday Rainbows.
|(All little pieces from my last Birthday card from Frankie while he was training at Fort Riley before being deployed).|
Love you baby. You are with me always.
|If X = Love|
Once I was afraid of dying,
terrified of ever-lying,
petrified of leaving family, home and friends.Thoughts of absence from my dear ones,
brought a melancholy tear once,
and a dreadful, dreadful feeling of when life ends.But those days are long behind me,
fear of leaving does not bind me,
and departure does not hold a single care.Peace does comfort as I ponder,
a reunion in the yonder,
with my dearest one who is waiting for me there.
They are of every age, every race, every religion
We meet me in the field and we talk about how, and why,
and where, and when..
and try to let them know the most important person in our lives.
We understand each other
We know what it is like to grieve
We cry together
We believe together
We hope together
We miss them beyond words.
Buried in section 60 –
I was just lying awake, like usual at 3 in the morning, looking through some of our photos for the millionth time, and was noticing how in so many of them the American Flag has made its appearance. These were just a few...
On our wedding day we had this beautiful time where he was holding me, and we were looking out into the San Diego Harbor, and feeling so blessed that we had become an eternal husband and wife. The flag, looming above us, perhaps representing what would come.
"The flag of the United States has not been created by rhetorical sentences in declarations of independence and in bills of rights. It has been created by the experience of a great people, and nothing is written upon it that has not been written by their life. It is the embodiment, not of a sentiment, but of a history." -Woodrow Wilson-
I have been traveling around Europe for the past month…. And although great, I can’t help but think with everything I see that Frankie should be physically by my side. I do know that he is always with me, but he isn’t here to hold my hand, kiss me at the top of the Eiffel Tower, or laugh with me at the things I know only he would think were funny. I know I would be enjoying all these things so much more if he were here. We were supposed to do this together. He is supposed to sit with me at a cafe, outside in the beautiful spring weather, for hours laughing and talking about nothing or everything. Now I sit there, and think of just him. I think of our lives and what was supposed to be. I think, that this world, in all its splendor and beauty --- its amazing history and architecture, its Winged Victory and Mona Lisa....and nothing; nothing is as beautiful as us together. I am so blessed to see these things and we always talked about seeing them together; so, I am seeing it for us. But, all their beauty is nothing compared to our beautiful love. All their beauty is nothing compared to what it will be like when we are together again.
Nothing is as beautiful as our love --- nothing.
With every setting sun, my love grows for you.
We walked hand in hand at the airport. I was sending my husband, my love, my everything off on his flight back to Kansas before he headed overseas….Off to war. He carried himself differently in his uniform. He had faced his biggest fears already, knowing he was going over there. He was ready to fight for us. He knew his mission. He wanted to help the Afghan people to overcome their adversities. I supported him. He was suddenly my soldier…with his head held high, ready to take on the tasks and challenges he knew he would face there.
From Frankie’s Journal, he wrote this the day before he left:
----- So I am still a little perplexed on what to write in this book but I think I am starting to come around. Tomorrow I am headed to Afghanistan for an all expense paid vacation :). At this moment and especially after last night which I will probably also write about I have a peace and comfort feeling upon me. I think I can relate to Nephi at the moment concerning when his father asked him to go to Jerusalem and retrieve the records of the Jews and his families genealogy. Though this task for him to accomplish was dangerous and by no means easy he knew he could do it because though his father asked him to go he knew in his heart that it was a commandment from the Heavenly Father. He was at peace with this difficult assignment because he knew that “The Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he commandeth them.” (1st Nephi 3:7).
Like Nephi, I feel at peace with my mission to Afghanistan because I know the Lord prepared the way for me to get to Afghanistan in only a manner that I know only He can do. And I know I can accomplish the things he has in store for me only through his Son Jesus Christ who gives me strength.
1 Nephi 3:7 – The Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through the Lord who strengthens me.
I no longer believe in coincidence. I know all things happen for a reason and if one keeps the commandments of the Lord these so called coincidences are in fact stepping stones on the path which the Lord has prepared to accomplish the purpose of their life – one little mission at a time.-----
The word overcome was something Frankie took to heart, along with his favorite verse, Philippians 4:13 – Frankie and I could overcome anything because we knew the Savior would help us through.
We stopped at a sandwich shop and ate some food, both of us just not really believing he was leaving for a whole year. Luckily, we got to see each other after his 3 months of training, for 10 days, but a total of 15 months…ugh! We both knew the void we would feel without being able to be near each other. We talked and laughed and ate. We stopped for an instant, looked each other in the eyes…tears forming, but fighting them back. He wasn’t gone yet.
Walking up to his gate was the most difficult. My stomach in knots, just like the night I found out that he was possibly going on an IA to Afghanistan. People couldn’t help but watch a loving wife sending her husband off to war. We held each other, kissed and tried holding back tears. He was the last to board the plane. One last embrace, like we have never before - The I love you’s, a continuous stream. He held me tight, he gently wiped my tears with his thumb and held my face…I said, “I’m not strong enough.”
I did not mean I wasn’t strong enough to handle being away from each other for this amount of time. We had done it before, when we were dating. He sailed around the world for his school, the United States Merchant Marine Academy for long periods of time.
This was different - I meant I was not strong enough to handle the thought of him….my soul mate, best-friend, eternal companion, my love…not coming back to me. Frankie called me once he got on the plane. His voice cracked, and I knew he was fighting back the tears. Did he feel the knot I felt? I did not think this way while he was gone… We both stayed positive, but something in that knot in my stomach kept at me.
I knew when Frankie was coming home on leave. We had a secret code for him telling me the exact date, since he wasn’t supposed to. We always had secret codes. April 1st. It was Friday-March 27th. For some reason I sensed something. I pushed it aside. Frankie hadn’t called me at his usual time. Around 9 or 10 in the morning. His night time. We talked twice a day every day. Usually more. I talked to him the night before, (In Afghanistan it was the morning of the day he was killed) and we talked about so much, and how excited we were for him to be coming home, and all the awesome things we had planned --- he said, “It feels like Christmas is coming.” We prayed together, like every night, but I remember saying please keep Frankie safe more than usual. We said I love you so many times. We never wanted to get off the phone, but this time seemed different.
At 4:15 p.m. I had just gotten out of the shower and was doing my spa thing, thinking Frankie could show up tomorrow! Maybe he hadn’t called me because he began his travels. Even though I knew April 1st was the estimated date, I hadn’t come to set anything in stone that the military told us. Maybe Frankie was going to surprise me.
I felt like he was coming home the next day. I learned later, Frankie was supposed to be convoying out the next day to start his journey home. We were planning on trying to start a family….
I was on the phone with my friend Britnee, when my dad knocked on my bedroom door. I was still in my towel…and he said, “There are two Navy men here to talk to you.” His face was white. I said, “What for?” I had a mini melt down on the phone. I said…”I can’t go down there Britnee…They just don’t come to talk or visit.” Every possible scenario went through my mind. Is he hurt? Are they here to talk about the survey I filled out? I was not too happy with the IA scenario. Maybe they wanted to talk about that? We had reached the halfway point; maybe they were here just to check up with me? Think positive – he’s ok. Maybe he went on a convoy, and something happened to one of his limbs. This could not be real. I hurried and put on some sweats and a t-shirt.
I composed myself, went downstairs and the dress blues seemed to smack me in the face. I said, “Sorry for making you wait, I just got out of the shower.” I smiled, shook their hands, and introduced myself. They asked if there was anywhere we could sit. I looked at them, dead in the eyes, (I will never forget those eyes) and asked…”Is Frankie okay? Please tell me he is okay?” They did not answer. I backed away; leading them to the kitchen table…We did not sit. I had to know!! “Is Frankie okay?” Pleading now.
“Ma’am, the Secretary of Defense regrets to inform you”…"NO, NO!”…. “That Lieutenant Junior Grade”, “NO, NO, NO, NO" ...."Francis L. Toner IV"…"NO!!”… “Was killed today…” I heard nothing else “NO, NO, NO!! OH, my GOD! NO, NO…. But, you don’t understand…he can’t be….he’s superman. Not him! Not him! Oh God! Daddy!!! NO!"
My dad, sobbing himself, tries to hold me up…as I fall to the floor.
I compose myself after some time --- I apologize; I tell them “Thank you so much --- you have the worst job in the world right now." I hug them, and thank them again. They start crying.
My feelings were right; Frankie’s body came home the very next day –
I am dreading the day –
The worst day of our lives
A family knocked off its feet
A true love facing unbearable agony
A hero running and risking his life for others
A knock on my door
My worst nightmare coming true
Falling to the floor
My uncontrollable tears
Oh my God – not him
Please Lord; continue to give us the strength and peace to overcome.
Like Frankie, I turn to the Lord for peace with my life mission for whatever purpose the Lord has in store for me - I feel so blessed to be Frankie's wife.
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? …
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.
Coming up on a year of Frankie's death is truly unbelievable. Beyond sad. I do not how else to explain it. The pain just gets worse and worse. I am trying to look to the horizon and imagining what it will be like when we are reunited. I feel him with me all the time and have been so blessed. I feel like all this time --- all these years that pass will seem so short in comparison to eternity. But, right now, it feels so long --- and right now my sight is limited with such a thick fog of grief, that the horizon feels so far. I miss my love; and am not looking forward to going into year two.
In a beautiful blue lagoon on a clear day, a fine sailing ship spreads its brilliant white canvas in a fresh morning breeze and sails out to the open sea. We watch her glide magnificently through the deep blue and gradually see her grow smaller and smaller as she nears the horizon. Finally, where the sea and sky meet, she slips silently from sight; and someone near me says, "There, she is gone."
Gone Where? Gone from sight --- that is all. She is still as large in mast and hull and sail, still just as able to bear her load. And we can be sure, that just as we say, "There, she is gone!" another says, "There, she comes!" (Eyre)
I await the day, my love, when you will be there to greet me when I cross the horizon, and I will hear you tell me that you love me. Thankfully, I always feel it. I miss you my love. I am so in love with you. I hope you can hear me when I tell you.
As I pulled up and parked at the cemetery today, the horses pulling the caisson rounded the corner, coming straight for me. I stared at them, and the men riding them. I made eye contact with each one. (The men, not the horses) :) With a little nod, and tears in my eyes…I could tell they all knew I was a widow. I always go to the cemetery after 3 p.m. to try and avoid hearing the gunshots, and seeing those horses pulling a casket, and hearing the bugler play Taps. It is too fresh. Too difficult. It brings me back to April 16, 2009, when I went to Arlington National Cemetery for the first time ever in my life --- Frankie talked about it, and the honor he held for it --- and now his body would be laid to rest there.
I remember every second, every feeling there that day.
I took a single white rose and laid it upon that silver shining metal, which I had to choose to enclose your body in. I looked to the sky before I set it down, thinking…why? Is this real? Is he really in here? Thinking how much I love this man, and I felt him shining down on me. I wanted to drape myself over your coffin, but I could barely touch it…thinking your lifeless body was actually inside. It has to be wrong…you aren’t in here. You are on some secret mission that they couldn’t tell me about. So I lay the rose down, that simple white rose --- Purity --- I know if anyone had reached their level of perfection on earth…it was you and your beautiful, pure soul. I walk back to my chair, and I crumble into my hands and sob, for a second…but then I hear others starting to cry harder around me….I have to be strong….I say out loud, "I’m Okay”...But I’m not….and never will be...Until we meet again.
I remember pulling away from the cemetery that horrible day…but I didn’t want to leave. I have one smile at Arlington in the pictures. But it isn’t a real one. The director of Frankie’s funeral kept telling me I had to leave because people were going to surround me to offer their sympathies. I was doing my pissed off, fake smile…like are you serious, man? I need to bury my husband. Give me a second.
But he had to get me and the family out of there as quickly as possible, so the crowd would disperse, so they could place Frankie in the ground. A part of me wanted to run out of the car, and stay until the last spec of dirt was placed atop of his coffin. All of me wanted to be under the ground with him.
I have been so blessed. On Friday, I was driving up to the North Shore. I stopped at a Shrimp Shack that Frankie and I loved, and then was planning on doing a beach day with a friend. Well, Mother Nature had a different idea. The dark clouds rolled in, and the rain came down. Not wanting to waste a good trip up to the North Shore, my friend mentioned a cool place that I had never been to and that has a beautiful view.
I should also mention, that I had shipped off Frankie’s truck this past Thursday, and left my favorite CD’s in the player. The night before heading up to the North Shore, I had to go buy CD’s, and tried to burn some songs onto it, to discover my disc drive was not functioning. So, I was not able to make a CD for the drive up there, and had to suffer through the same songs played on the radio.
All day, I kept saying, “I wish I had a good CD!”
The place we decided to visit is a sacred place for the Hawaiian people. It is an ancient religious site called a Heiau. The ground is usually surrounded with Lava rocks forming a circle, or rectangle. They are not to be entered, or climbed over, because it is said that it will disturb the spirits. And it will also cause bad luck for the person who dares to enter it.
Most people say not to be surprised if a sudden surge of energy is felt, or someone’s presence is around while visiting these Hawaiian sacred places. It is said to be a gift to feel it.
So, while visiting this Heiau, we could see a beautiful view, including some humpback whales. It was also cool imagining what it must have been like so long ago. After we had left the Heiau and were driving down the hill, we stopped and got some fresh Lilikoi (a type of passion fruit) that was lying on the ground in the trees that my friend had mentioned wanting earlier. Further down the road, she said…”Hey look, there is a CD!”
I was like, “No, way!” Laughing to ourselves, we backed up and picked it up off the ground and decided to see if there was anything good on it! :) I swear, it was just sitting there, in good condition and ready for us to come along and take it.
At first, it sounded like terrible elevator music, and I was like, “No wonder they threw it out!” Then I got to the third song, and decided to listen to it for some reason. It was beautiful --- seriously so good….and something I have never heard before. These are the lyrics:
I couldn’t go on living
In a world alone
Without the love you’re giving
I would turn to stone
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
Your love is right beside me
Whether right or wrong
Your are the Light that guides me
When the days grow long
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
When they say that loves conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
When they say that love conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much that I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
While listening to the song, I was crying and smiling at the same time, overwhelmed with his love for me. And no, it is not too much that you’re asking. I am yours forever. I know you are still with me.
Somebody said to me last week --- you know Brooke…He is always with you. I saw how much love you two have and will have always. He is always there. I do know with a surety that death has not stopped anything. Death has not taken my husband away. His Death has not made me alone. And although, they call me a survivor --- I do not feel this way. Frankie has physically died, but I can tell you, he is very much alive. Life is eternal. Our Love is eternal. He is still right here. I am still Frankie’s main priority and eternal wife-a-nator. I know it. I know he wishes he could figure out how to set up Skype from the spirit world. But you know what I still have…even if I cannot hear him --- Spiritual Skype. I may not get to see him, but I can feel his spirit around me. I can feel his love now more than ever. I will dream and look forward to having our spirits back together when the gift of death is given to me. How sweet that day will be. How sweet life will be, knowing that Frankie will be guiding me, helping me, showing me the beauty that surrounds me; reminding me, that he is really there. It is not just a saying to me --- He truly will always be there for me, no matter what.
Frankie has made this very obvious. I am so in love with him and thankful that he gave me such a beautiful gift.
It was the only good song on the CD. Thank you my love and the Big Kahuna!
Do you want to know what I did for our 3 year and 5 month anniversary? Probably not…but I am going to tell you. Today I set up moving all of our things from Hawaii to Idaho. Today I said the words Casualty Report too often. Today while going through paperwork, I found one titled “Disposition of Remains” that sent chills throughout my entire body.
I love you; I miss you and am even more in love with you at 3 years 5 months. I wish I could be there.
Looking for some truth
The day I thought would come
Leaving me here
To dwell among those who shall never know me like you.
I partake of nothing, of happiness, or peace.
My joy dissipated --- my heart left with you.
The lights have faded
My blue eyes now grey
I hate the way the world spins now
And continues on its way
I simply exist now
Just wandering through
This valley of grief, of circumstance ---
I prayed would never happen to a love so true.
My words will never adequately tell