An Obvious Love

He could not be any more obvious.
I have been so blessed. On Friday, I was driving up to the North Shore. I stopped at a Shrimp Shack that Frankie and I loved, and then was planning on doing a beach day with a friend. Well, Mother Nature had a different idea. The dark clouds rolled in, and the rain came down. Not wanting to waste a good trip up to the North Shore, my friend mentioned a cool place that I had never been to and that has a beautiful view.
I should also mention, that I had shipped off Frankie’s truck this past Thursday, and left my favorite CD’s in the player. The night before heading up to the North Shore, I had to go buy CD’s, and tried to burn some songs onto it, to discover my disc drive was not functioning. So, I was not able to make a CD for the drive up there, and had to suffer through the same songs played on the radio.
All day, I kept saying, “I wish I had a good CD!”
The place we decided to visit is a sacred place for the Hawaiian people. It is an ancient religious site called a Heiau. The ground is usually surrounded with Lava rocks forming a circle, or rectangle. They are not to be entered, or climbed over, because it is said that it will disturb the spirits. And it will also cause bad luck for the person who dares to enter it.
Most people say not to be surprised if a sudden surge of energy is felt, or someone’s presence is around while visiting these Hawaiian sacred places. It is said to be a gift to feel it.
So, while visiting this Heiau, we could see a beautiful view, including some humpback whales. It was also cool imagining what it must have been like so long ago. After we had left the Heiau and were driving down the hill, we stopped and got some fresh Lilikoi (a type of passion fruit) that was lying on the ground in the trees that my friend had mentioned wanting earlier. Further down the road, she said…”Hey look, there is a CD!”
I was like, “No, way!” Laughing to ourselves, we backed up and picked it up off the ground and decided to see if there was anything good on it! :) I swear, it was just sitting there, in good condition and ready for us to come along and take it.
At first, it sounded like terrible elevator music, and I was like, “No wonder they threw it out!” Then I got to the third song, and decided to listen to it for some reason. It was beautiful --- seriously so good….and something I have never heard before. These are the lyrics:

I couldn’t go on living
In a world alone
Without the love you’re giving
I would turn to stone
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me

Your love is right beside me
Whether right or wrong
Your are the Light that guides me
When the days grow long
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me

When they say that loves conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me

When they say that love conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much that I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me

While listening to the song, I was crying and smiling at the same time, overwhelmed with his love for me. And no, it is not too much that you’re asking. I am yours forever. I know you are still with me.

Somebody said to me last week --- you know Brooke…He is always with you. I saw how much love you two have and will have always. He is always there. I do know with a surety that death has not stopped anything. Death has not taken my husband away. His Death has not made me alone. And although, they call me a survivor --- I do not feel this way. Frankie has physically died, but I can tell you, he is very much alive. Life is eternal. Our Love is eternal. He is still right here. I am still Frankie’s main priority and eternal wife-a-nator. I know it. I know he wishes he could figure out how to set up Skype from the spirit world. But you know what I still have…even if I cannot hear him --- Spiritual Skype. I may not get to see him, but I can feel his spirit around me. I can feel his love now more than ever. I will dream and look forward to having our spirits back together when the gift of death is given to me. How sweet that day will be. How sweet life will be, knowing that Frankie will be guiding me, helping me, showing me the beauty that surrounds me; reminding me, that he is really there. It is not just a saying to me --- He truly will always be there for me, no matter what.
Frankie has made this very obvious. I am so in love with him and thankful that he gave me such a beautiful gift.
It was the only good song on the CD. Thank you my love and the Big Kahuna!
"Is death the last sleep? No - it is the last and final awakening" -Sir Walter Scott


3 years 5 months

Three years and five months. Frankie and I have been married for three years and five months today. I know most people celebrate the year marks, but every month on the 19th, I think of our wedding anniversary. Frankie and I always did something to celebrate it every month. He would always make it a special day, if even in the smallest of ways. One of the last texts I got from him was at 2 years and 7 months (Just 8 days before he was killed). It said “Happy 2 years 7 months baby! I love and miss you so much! Wish I could be there.”

Do you want to know what I did for our 3 year and 5 month anniversary? Probably not…but I am going to tell you. Today I set up moving all of our things from Hawaii to Idaho. Today I said the words Casualty Report too often. Today while going through paperwork, I found one titled “Disposition of Remains” that sent chills throughout my entire body.
Today I realized just how real all of this is. I am preparing myself to go to our storage unit in two days to assist the movers in moving our life together. All of his things are in there, besides his belongings from Afghanistan which came back in 14 black sea chests. His awards, his clothes, his sports gear, his pictures, his love notes from me, our lamps, our wedding album, our hopes, our dreams --- in a storage unit. Our life is in a storage unit.

I love you; I miss you and am even more in love with you at 3 years 5 months. I wish I could be there.
~I Miss You~
Somber days and nights
Looking for some truth
The day I thought would come
Never did
Leaving me here
To dwell among those who shall never know me like you.
I partake of nothing, of happiness, or peace.
My joy dissipated --- my heart left with you.
The lights have faded
My blue eyes now grey
I hate the way the world spins now
And continues on its way
I simply exist now
Just wandering through
This valley of grief, of circumstance ---
I prayed would never happen to a love so true.
My words will never adequately tell
How much I miss you.


For you my love, it's all for you.

A few days ago I went hiking up to Maunawili Falls. It is a nice waterfall with a couple of good cliff jumping points. I started off on one of the smaller jumps, and then moved up to a slightly more difficult to get to ledge, by going over the waterfall, and scrambling up a rock face. I hesitated for a few minutes --- and then the craziest thing happened --- one random guy there started something that Frankie would always do to motivate people …the slow clap! In that instant, I knew my love was watching me and encouraging me, to face my fear and jump from the ledge. I smiled and noticed every single person around the whole falls area joined in and was doing the slow clap…for me! In that instant I pictured Frankie’s smiling face and his love for me, watching me, motivating me. So, I jumped! And by my jumping others who were hesitant to jump from this point were motivated to do it as well.

Then I wanted to jump from one of the highest points. I got up there, and was a little chicken for a while. For some reason I really had to motivate myself on this jump --- it seemed soooo much higher from the previous one. So, here I was standing at the top, looking down, feeling weak in the knees, my stomach doing somersaults. It was pretty scary. But I knew I would never turn back. I knew I would make the leap; I just had to motivate myself to do it. And so, I did…and it was amazing.

Sometimes I feel so scared. This deep fear and grief take over every part of me. I remember after finding out about Frankie --- I kept asking over and over again….”What do I do?” “What do I do?”

Most days I still ask myself that --- and most days I don’t know what to do or even want to live life --- but I know that with my love’s motivation and unconditional support, he will keep clapping until I am ready to make the leap back into living life. And although it may take a while and will be a drastically different life than I ever pictured for myself, I do know that it will be amazing --- especially with the knowledge of the true love I carry with me and where the end of the journey will take me --- back to him. For you my love, it's all for you.

For you I will be
For you I will stay
For you I will conquer
For you I will pray

For you I will live
For you I will see
For you I will cry
For you I will breathe

For you I will laugh
For you I will seek
For you I will find
For you I will leap

For you I will smile
For you I will try
For you I will run
For you till I die
And ever after
For you my love --- it’s all for you.




Rocks --- for some reason Frankie always liked to give me rocks. He would randomly pick one up and sneakily put it in my hand. I kept a few of the rocks and have them in my keepsake box. One of them is pure white and smooth. He picked it up for me during our honeymoon. I wish I would have kept every single rock he ever handed me. I wish I could remember all the rocks and the moments that I feel are slipping away, like they are in some distant and beautiful dream that used to be my life. I wish I had him here to pick up a ridiculously big rock and expect me to keep it --- because I would baby. I would keep all of the rocks in the world just to see your smile when you handed them to me. I love that smile. He would pretend to be sad when I would say --- no baby, this rock likes it right here. It has all of its rock friends --- and I would point out all the other rocks. And then he would go find me a leaf, or a twig, or something else.

Besides my few precious rocks, I also kept a pet branch that we named Maxileafimus (after watching Gladiator). :) The leaf was stuck on the outside of Frankie’s car for like 6 months. It was barely attached, but somehow it would not come loose, and we hoped it wouldn't fall. We didn’t want to take it off --- the little fella just kept hanging on. It started coming loose one day, so we rescued our little Maxileafimus and I kept him to remember how much we cheered him on. The leaf has since well withered, but the branch remains ---
There is great metaphor to that story, but I am pretty tired! :)

So, I will leave this off with why I started thinking about these great moments ---
Frankie wrote this for me and I love it!

-Frankie Toner IV-

I miss you my love --- I will keep my eyes open for good rocks. I love you.



I will continue on this path my love
I will build it strong and true
I will finish what we started
I know your love will carry me through
I will feel you guiding me
And helping me in all I do
Aligning the boards side by side
Held with nails as brave as you
And when my life comes to its end
I will put this hammer down
And we shall have eternity
We no longer will be bound
Our deep void will be filled
With a reunited love so true
Because the path we have built
Will lead me straight to you