The Stories We Love Best Do Live In Us Forever

All I can say is that I feel truly blessed.  I found another gift.  I don't know how things keep popping up from Frankie, but they do. Whenever I have needed him the most, he is right there, reminding me and guiding me. I found a disk in his old movie collection that didn't look like much.  I almost went right past it without even another glance, until I found another collection of CD's I had made for him that included the list of songs and titles.  I thought, why not? I'll throw in the backup CD.  So, I looked through some of his old files from his computer and found resume's, homework, letters of recommendation.

And then, there was one folder called: "future" and within that was one titled: "Brooke"

And then, staring me in the face were words I had never read before...to me, from Frankie.  I thought I had read every poem, card, thought or love song that was to be written by Frankie.  And was I ever wrong.  He had written sooooo much more that he was going to give to me over time.  I'm not sure when, but I am sure on special occasions.  He wrote me while we were dating and he was out to sea.  He wrote of what it felt like the first time he held my hand.  He wrote about the first time we kissed.  He wrote about all of our amazing adventures and when I'm saying he wrote about them, he put in details.  Like how the stars shone on a certain night, and the temperatures, the dew on the grass or how the moonlight would shine on my face.  And it brought it all back like a flood.  I suddenly remembered the moments that have gotten hazy.  I remembered the things that have seemed to have disappeared from my memory over time.  I remembered it all. Our beautiful, amazing, magical love.  It was so rare, and so special.  I remembered.....I never forgot....but it made it new again.
He wrote jokes, and said, "I thought maybe you would like to hear a joke baby. That’s one of my favorite things in the world is making you laugh and you making me laugh. I love you."

He wrote about how he knew he was planning on asking me to be his wife.  He wrote about all the places we used to make-out at when we first started dating.  :)  He wrote about all the silly and weird things that we used to do.  We were soooo weird! haha! But lucky in love! Here is an example of some of what he wrote: 

"Today I was just thinking about some of the little weird things about us.

Yep the first thing that comes to mind is your town. I am not sure how it even started, but its hilarious that you some how have a town under your arm that is ruled by a tyrant. I mean if you really sit down and think about that…..Yeah that’s pretty far out there and I love it. I love that we go take pictures with some wooden bear we see on the side of the road. Then we proceed to name it the freedom bear and some how him and I have formed in alliance to fight the tyrant that rules your town under you arm. LOL Brooke I love you. Next we have some obsession with little dogs and people with their weird dogs whether they be some weird dog that happens to survive some nuclear bomb test and we have to turn around and drive by it three times so we can get a good look at it. Or dogs strapped in a harness to people's backs. Now thats weird. Then we like to race and wrestle in blockbuster and other stores. We make tunnels and snow castles, which I think is just cute... not weird. We have vortexes that lock us in our dorm rooms and tape our heads to the computer. We make songs up about things we see on the street. OOOOOooooo. You like to shake it. Yeah baby shake it. You wear a yellow rain suit when we go snowboarding. Play hangman over the phone. Not once but for like a couple of hours. Write coded emails. Your in the midst of building a cell phone tower out of hangers and bobby pins. We pull down trees in your backyard. You know what honey I know we already know we are each others best friends, but really we are! I mean just look at the stuff we do. We don’t just do boyfriend girlfriend/lovers stuff.  We play like we are in grade school and we go over each others house for play dates. Brooke you are amazing and I know we have the greatest relationship ever. It is just amazing and I love you so much. The list can go on and on baby so I'm going to continue it on another day. I love you. To definitely be continued….."

He wrote poems about my weird underarm town.  He wrote love poems and songs.  He wrote about how much he missed me while he was gone. 


Tonight I go to sleep dreaming and thinking about you
Tonight I go to sleep praying and missing you 

All I want tonight is to have you by my side
All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

So I close my eyes and see you there smiling at me tonight
So I close my eyes and pretend your next me
As I go to sleep tonight missing you

All I want tonight is to have you by my side
All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Counting the days till we’ll be together again
Counting the days till we’ll be together again

All I want tonight is to have you by my side
All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Starting to drift and seeing me there kissing your tender lips
I wipe my eyes and cry because I go to sleep missing you tonight

He wrote and he wrote and he wrote.  I am blessed.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  He reminded me of true love and it always comes at the exact perfect time.  I know he is here.  Always.  
I love you Frankie.  Forever.  

"How I know that what we have is like nothing else and to describe it in the very least is to call it love." -Frankie Toner IV


Live For Today


 The other day all of the clocks had to be changed because of daylight savings.  I was driving to the gym with a friend when he reached over and proceeded to change the time in my truck to reflect the actual time.  It was set 3 hours behind.  It has not been changed since the clock was set back in November of 2006 to Hawaii Time by Frankie when we moved there as a newly married couple.  I don't know why I never changed the clock...I just didn't.  My reaction gave it away immediately...and I just said something along the lines of, "you have no idea how big that is." He stopped mid change and was like..."ohhhhh crap."  I had to finish it because he felt terrible and I changed the minutes to reflect the actual time.  I assured him it was okay.  He still felt awful.  I realized instantly that the clock should no longer be set in the past.  It doesn't need to reflect the 10 minutes faster that Frankie set all of our clocks to to try and trick his mind in the morning and get us places on time. Me, being habitually late, learned from Frankie, "5 minutes early is on time; On time is late; and 5 minutes late is unacceptable."  :)

The clock set back in time does not bring back the amazing memories or moments that I am eternally grateful for. The clocks need to be set to now.  I'm ready for it.  Life is now...life is moving forward.  Time doesn't stop, even when it has felt like it should have.  The clock keeps ticking.  I'm thankful for my past and I'm looking forward to the future...whatever it brings.  Life is good.  Live for today. 


Oh! The Places You'll Go!

I miss him so much today it hurts.  I have tried to be strong, and I have tried to remember his promises to me, but even the strongest can be broken.  So, I watched a video that always helps me get through my hard days. 

It is a video of Frankie from Afghanistan.  He is reading me a children's book, by Dr. Seuss.  Most people know of it.  I have always really loved it.  I think it is some of his best work.  I think it is simple, and applies to life in many ways.  Frankie knew how much I liked it. 

While in Afghanistan, Florence B. Choe, who was killed with Frankie set up an amazing program on her base where the forces could read books to their children at home via video, and send it in a disk format.  She did it for her very own 3 year old daughter.  I know it will be something that her daughter must cherish, and will forever. 

Frankie, always thoughtful, read a book for me.  Oh! The Places You'll Go.  He added in his own personality, and it truly is one of my favorite videos of him.  He says things throughout it that remind me that he will always be with me no matter what.  Maybe you will catch it at the end of this clip. 

I know he is with me.  I know he feels when I am sad.  I know today he has been by my side.  I know I will see him again.  And I know he has helped me hurt a little less today. 

I love you Frankie.  Thank you for giving me strength, when it feels like I have none. 


Valentine's Schmalentine's?

Tonight after a looong day, I had to stop at the store to pick up a few things before heading home.  With Valentines Day coming up, and all the pink and red that vomited in the store, I was reminded that it was time to get Frankie a card.  (It has continued to be a habit of mine to pick out the perfect cards for him on holidays and other random special days).  As I was looking for just the right one, or three, a guy walked by and said....
“Trust me, It’s overrated.” 
All I could think was....trust me...It is not. 

Every day you get to spend with a loved one is special, but a day set apart to remind you, and treat the one person in your life just a little more special is not overrated in my book.  Frankie and I treated everyday like it was special and often said “Every day is a day for love.” 
Our last Valentine’s Day together was in 2008 in Hawaii.  It fell on our Thursday night where we would shut out the world, get pizza and sorbet and catch up on all of our TV shows.  We stayed in, homemade a heart shaped buffalo chicken pizza (it was so delicious), gave one another our cards, and enjoyed another day of love. 
Not one second is overrated....not one.  Not even when he is not here and I continue to buy him cards, breathe, live and feel his love. 

So, have a beautiful Valentine's Day and treat everyone you love in your life a little more special.  And then remember to do it more often!  Every day is a day for love!


P.S. Happy New Year

Plus, Just wanted to say, I am glad to be back to blogger.  :)  It has been waaaayyyy too long!
My 2012 in review via pinterest.  It was an interesting year.  I learned a lot, and I am ready to take on 2013 with no regrets.  Time to make new mistakes and keep on keepin' on! :)

The Love of a Father

I recently saw the movie Les Miserables.  I had seen the Broadway show twice while living in NY, but this song really got me during the movie in a way I never understood before.  
Called "Bring Him Home" 
I had to hold back sobs.  I let tears roll down my face....in public! Which is not a usual thing for me to do.  It made me think of my dad, and it made think about my relationship with God.  It made me think of how much they both love me.  How much my dad has been here for me.  How much he wishes it was him who had been in Frankie's place.  He has said it again and again. It made me think of how he caught me in his arms as I fell to the floor on the worst day of my life.  How he sobbed for me that day, when two men had to come tell me my husband was killed and personally see his daughters heart shatter.  How he held my arm as I saw Frankie's coffin for the first time, and continued to hold it as we followed the caisson and band that led the way to where Frankie was placed in the ground.  How he has taken care of me since then. My dad...He is just such an amazing person and I am so thankful for him.  
I have had some serious God issues since Frankie died.  And I am finding my way back to Him.  He is my Father in Heaven, and I know he cares for me the same way my own Father does.  Even though it sometimes feels like he didn't hear my prayers, my Dad's prayers, our friends and family's prayers, I know that he is still there and waiting for me to forgive him. Him and Frankie are watching out for me, and reminding me of who I am and what I need to be doing.  I will keep trying.  I hope Frankie is there and I hope he is in the best of care.  I know he must be.  Because, with my Dad, I am.  So, I can only imagine what it must be like for him.  

I have the love of some pretty incredible men. 

Not only mine and Frankie's smiles, but check out my Dad's!

I know my Dad was so honored to be at Frankie's Silver Star Ceremony 

God on high  
Hear my prayer  
In my need  
You have always been there  
He is young  
He's afraid 
Let him rest  
Heaven blessed.  
Bring him home  
Bring him home  
Bring him home.  
He's like the son I might have known  
If God had granted me a son.  
The summers die One by one. 
 How soon they fly 
On and on  
And I am old  
And will be gone. 
Bring him peace  
Bring him joy 
He is young  
He is only a boy  
You can take  
You can give  
Let him be  
Let him live  
If I die  
Let me die