ONE

When Frankie and I first started dating in March of 2003, we fell in love so fast.  It was just so natural and perfect.  It was as if my whole life led up to that moment of meeting him about 7 months before, becoming good friends, and him developing feelings for me that I was unaware of...until that first weekend we spent alone together.  I kept telling myself we were "just friends"  going on a snowboarding trip together and staying over at his Grammy and Grandpa's.  

Even when we cuddled a bit on the couch watching Braveheart, he put his arm around me, and asked me if it was OK.  I enjoyed it, but kept insisting we were only friends.  I fell asleep with his arm around me.  I remember waking up as the movie was almost over.  He was still awake and just looking at me.  He smiled and said I looked so cute sleeping.  We went upstairs to go into our separate bedrooms, but we ended up in the bathroom brushing our teeth together.  We just brushed and smiled and looked at each other.  It could have been awkward, but I got the feeling that we would be brushing our teeth together more often.  And then he asked me to spend the next weekend with him. He did not want me to be alone on Easter weekend, since I had not planned a trip home.  Easter with his family.  It was wonderful. 

From there our relationship blossomed.  It was so easy.  We were great friends, becoming best-friends, and we had so many special moments in the first few weeks.  Our love story was finally coming true; we had found one another and it felt like we knew one another forever.  And from the moment we kissed..we just felt the magic between us.  We knew we were made for one another.  I remember a few days after Easter, I was dropping Frankie off at his school.  Both of us did not want to part.  It was a warm night, with a misty rain.  I remembered a baseball field not to far from his school.  I went and parked, and grabbed a blanket from the back of my car.  We went to the middle of the field and just talked and laughed in the drizzle.  We kissed our second time, and it was... to say the least, spectacular.  I remember Frankie got a little uncomfortable, like he wanted to say something, but was holding back.  So, he said..."If there was a ever a moment to tell you I love you...this would be it."  Then he got even more uncomfortable and was like.. "Does that freak you out?" Without any hesitation, I said, "No, not at all. And you are right, this would be a perfect time."  So without saying it, because we knew how serious those three words of "I LOVE YOU"  are, we both knew that this was it! We had found each other.  We were up talking until dawn, and then we went and got hot chocolate at Dunkin' Donuts. 

This was only about 2 1/2 weeks into us seeing one another.  It was unexplainable, but it was as if lighting struck and from there on out, our commitment was unwavering. Those feelings literally never weakened during our six years together.  If anything it was enhanced.  Those butterflies got stronger, and we would just look at one another and wonder how we were so blessed. 

We had known we were similar when we were friends, but we quickly discovered we were just like one another.  Weird, outgoing, friendly, adventurous...I had always dreamed of someone like this, but did not think it was possible to meet him.

With Frankie there was never any fear.  When we finally said, "I love you"  about a month and a half later, it was perfect.  We just knew that this was it.  It is almost impossible to explain.

This time of year, I am always reminded of our first snowboarding outing.  I always think of those first wonderful times that led to what we have now...eternal love.  I always had dreamed of meeting the perfect man for me...and without any doubt Frankie and I were each other's dreams coming true.

I have so many wonderful memories that outweigh the bad this time of year.  It was exactly the same weekend 6 years later when Frankie gave his life for his friends.  Next weekend will be tough coming up on two years of Frankie's death. I have been really emotional, and this month has been a tough one for me.

I really cannot describe how it feels...but there is one thing that I know.  Frankie is my one and only.  Always has been, always will be.

I had written this poem a long time ago...even before I met Frankie.  I always wanted to find the man to give it to.   It belongs to Frankie and I am so blessed that I had the chance to give it to him.

ONE

You are the one for me

The one I love so honestly

I want you to know

I'll be there for you

Love you like a lady should

You don't have a clue

How much I love you

I see forever in your gaze

My soul in your heart

An eternity of love

With the best start

Take my heart and make it yours

You are my best friend for sure

My eyes locked to your strength

In your arms I'm so secure

I don't think I understand

That we'll always be

Or you will ever know

How much you mean to me

Our "first song"

So, when Frankie and I first started dating, he did not have a car because he was at a military academy. No cars allowed until their senior year.  I quickly became his sugar mama, ride giving lady.  That's right! Mmmhmmm :)

On our first trip alone together, we were driving up to his Grammy's before heading snowboarding the following morning.  We were in my radio-less car.  It was really awesome actually because we did not need the radio at all.  Well, at some point during the ride, I started humming a song.  Frankie was like....whoa! What song is that?  

I told him and apparently he sang it almost every morning to himself and his roommate for the past little while, and never knew who it was.  Both of us had not heard it forever, but would always randomly sing it.  Brainwaves...maybe!  It is a soul-mate thing, I swear! 

So, I literally have not heard this song since I have been with Frankie and it was definitely a few years before he was killed. And we only heard it maybe twice together...besides when we would bust out singing it at random times.  

Well, tonight, after a not-so-great day...I heard it!  The timing was just right.  I had unplugged my i-pod from my car stereo...which rarely (never) happens.  I turned it to a random station and on came that song.  It ended just as I pulled up to the gym.  Perfect timing. 

I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  I busted out the song like how I would when Frankie and I sang it together.  I had a huge smile on my face, and I said..."Hey baby."  It was just as if he was right next to me, smiling and remembering "Our first song."  I got those familiar chills that make it feel as if he was right there with me in spirit.

And tomorrow, I will wake in the morning, and step outside, take a deep breath...and just keep on breathing knowing he is right there....always.  

And this is the first time I have EVER watched this video.  It is pretty strange...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc

One month down! 8 weeks to go!

Well, one month has flown by!  I can say that I am looking better and feeling better.  I have lost some poundage, inches, and quite a bit of body fat percentage, and am getting really excited about the next couple of months...and even after.

I have been working out consistently 6 days a week and going really hard.  At least 2-3 hours a day. 
I know 2 hours sounds like a lot, but for me 2+ hours is necessary.  Every exercise I do serves its purpose.  Back in the day, I would work out whenever I could between work and school, and on Saturdays I would do my own solo triathlons just  for fun.  So, sometimes I got in 3-4 hours of working out a day.  When people say they do not have time for it... I say baloney!  Even if it is just a couple of times a week, for 30 minutes.  There IS time! 

Of course, I do not have a job right now, or kids, so I could work out for  8 hours if I wanted to. :)  But, when I was working, going to school, and being an awesome girlfriend and wifey, I just made time for it.  I would study while doing cardio on the treadmill, or sometimes even coerce my boss into doing a fitness video with me.  And of course, Frankie was a fitness phenom, so we worked out all the time together. And if we weren't working out, we were snowboarding, rock-climbing, playing volleyball, ping-pong, basketball, swimming, surfing, or trying some other fun sport! We motivated one another perfectly. 

This  2+ hours does not include my walks with  my puppy wuppy doo doo.  Those are usually around 30 - 45 minutes.  On Sunday, I try to take it easy, but take a much longer walk/jog with Kai.

On top of that, I hired a personal trainer, who has given me a workout plan and some really fun, but really tough workouts a couple of times a week, and he is just really awesome.  He knows I am really serious about this, and has actually mentioned once I lose the weight that I should do a fitness competition.  He does them....and I can see that being a good goal, but first I have to lose 30+ pounds! ha!

It really has not been hard at all.  It is amazing how much more energy I have.  Even when I am not working out, I feel like I need to be doing something.  Besides my intense workouts, I am eating the right balance of foods that my body is fueled the best by.  I have always eaten clean, healthy, organic foods, but the last couple of years it has been hard to consistently feed myself right.  My metabolism went all crazy because I started eating less frequently, and that on top of stress did me in.  Now, I know that for me, I have to stay consistent.

I am not one of those girls who can get away with light workouts, and sort of eating healthy.  I have to be all in. So, I am all in for the long-term!  8 weeks are going to fly-by, but even after that, I am so excited to maintain and even get better over time.  Frankie and I were immensely inspired by Don Wildman.  Seriously, if you have the time, click on his name and read the article about this man!  Both Frankie and I aspired to be like him when we were old!  I want to get back in shape so I can keep having more adventures like the ones Frankie and I had together.

I felt like I had lost a huge piece of who I was by not working out consistently.  I absolutely love it.  Always have.  Now, there is no stopping me!  It is so amazing because I had the drive to workout before Frankie died, but now it feels so different.  Sometimes my workouts are pretty insane, but I smile the whole time because I know I push myself harder because of how blessed I feel to still have my body and spirit together.  I am amazed really at all that our human form is capable of and know that Frankie would want me to use it to the up-most of it's abilities.  I know he smiles every time I think to myself "Can't is a bad word."  And of course his favorite, "Pain is only weakness leaving the body." 

This is just for my own personal motivation :)  Every time I run, I think of this in my head!

I feel amazing.  Man, I missed this feeling.  Can't wait for another good workout tomorrow.  :)

Happy

Frankie and I always got each other cards.  Usually 2 or 3 at a time because we liked funny ones and weird ones, and serious ones.  We always gave each other random cards during the year.  But, I went through all of our Valentine ones this morning.  I love them all for different reasons, but this one just summed up so much of of what I feel every day.  And Frankie would always fill up the whole other side of my cards with the most loving words.
Frankie and I were always so blissfully happy because we had each other.  And even now I feel that bliss because I know he is around me always.   Today I could not help but just celebrate our love even more than I always do.  I saw a few things during the day where I knew he was with me, and I couldn't help but smile because I knew he was next to me...making me happy.  Man, I love my husband so much.  It is amazing how it is so strong, and even stronger through all of this.

I have put the following that Frankie wrote to me on my blog before....but I love it so much, and it is the perfect thing for me that sums up our never-ending love.  Happy Valentine's Day! 


Brooke,

There is an ocean which no eye can see the end. There are no sides, no beaches, no banks, or beds - Just water that continues forever. Within this sea that has no end there is just two people. Just you and me - swimming and splashing, laughing and kissing. I hold you close as I lift my hand from the water we watch the water drip off my skin and it goes back to the ocean drop by drop. I look into your eyes so blue and true to me and say - "Each drop that must fall to fill this ocean is from my heart and each one is a piece of my love I have for you. As you can see it is never-ending. Never. With each passing unit of time my sea of love deepens for you Brooke. I love you."

Love,

Frankie

 

Heart Break

Tonight I am getting that feeling.  That overwhelming build up of emotions inside. My eyes brimming with tears.  Missing my love so much.  That tightening of my chest, because I feel my heart snap again from the pain. 
"I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower’s stem." — Diana Gabaldon

I miss his laugh so much.  I miss all the silly things I would do, just to make him laugh.  To see those eyes light up with love for me, is better than watching the most gorgeous sunrise or sunset I could ever imagine.  I loved it when he would just look at me, and then he would take a deep breath, and I would realize I had stopped breathing too, and we would both just breath in...and no words had to be said, because it was just so right. 

And now my tears have fallen, and I will go to sleep, on my tear stained pillow with hopes of dreaming of his eyes looking into mine. 

And tomorrow I will awake, and I will pick up the broken pieces and gather my broken heart, again... and I will choose to smile and will continue to dream and hope for what will be,  with our eternal love guiding me...