One month down! 8 weeks to go!

Well, one month has flown by!  I can say that I am looking better and feeling better.  I have lost some poundage, inches, and quite a bit of body fat percentage, and am getting really excited about the next couple of months...and even after.

I have been working out consistently 6 days a week and going really hard.  At least 2-3 hours a day. 
I know 2 hours sounds like a lot, but for me 2+ hours is necessary.  Every exercise I do serves its purpose.  Back in the day, I would work out whenever I could between work and school, and on Saturdays I would do my own solo triathlons just  for fun.  So, sometimes I got in 3-4 hours of working out a day.  When people say they do not have time for it... I say baloney!  Even if it is just a couple of times a week, for 30 minutes.  There IS time! 

Of course, I do not have a job right now, or kids, so I could work out for  8 hours if I wanted to. :)  But, when I was working, going to school, and being an awesome girlfriend and wifey, I just made time for it.  I would study while doing cardio on the treadmill, or sometimes even coerce my boss into doing a fitness video with me.  And of course, Frankie was a fitness phenom, so we worked out all the time together. And if we weren't working out, we were snowboarding, rock-climbing, playing volleyball, ping-pong, basketball, swimming, surfing, or trying some other fun sport! We motivated one another perfectly. 

This  2+ hours does not include my walks with  my puppy wuppy doo doo.  Those are usually around 30 - 45 minutes.  On Sunday, I try to take it easy, but take a much longer walk/jog with Kai.

On top of that, I hired a personal trainer, who has given me a workout plan and some really fun, but really tough workouts a couple of times a week, and he is just really awesome.  He knows I am really serious about this, and has actually mentioned once I lose the weight that I should do a fitness competition.  He does them....and I can see that being a good goal, but first I have to lose 30+ pounds! ha!

It really has not been hard at all.  It is amazing how much more energy I have.  Even when I am not working out, I feel like I need to be doing something.  Besides my intense workouts, I am eating the right balance of foods that my body is fueled the best by.  I have always eaten clean, healthy, organic foods, but the last couple of years it has been hard to consistently feed myself right.  My metabolism went all crazy because I started eating less frequently, and that on top of stress did me in.  Now, I know that for me, I have to stay consistent.

I am not one of those girls who can get away with light workouts, and sort of eating healthy.  I have to be all in. So, I am all in for the long-term!  8 weeks are going to fly-by, but even after that, I am so excited to maintain and even get better over time.  Frankie and I were immensely inspired by Don Wildman.  Seriously, if you have the time, click on his name and read the article about this man!  Both Frankie and I aspired to be like him when we were old!  I want to get back in shape so I can keep having more adventures like the ones Frankie and I had together.

I felt like I had lost a huge piece of who I was by not working out consistently.  I absolutely love it.  Always have.  Now, there is no stopping me!  It is so amazing because I had the drive to workout before Frankie died, but now it feels so different.  Sometimes my workouts are pretty insane, but I smile the whole time because I know I push myself harder because of how blessed I feel to still have my body and spirit together.  I am amazed really at all that our human form is capable of and know that Frankie would want me to use it to the up-most of it's abilities.  I know he smiles every time I think to myself "Can't is a bad word."  And of course his favorite, "Pain is only weakness leaving the body." 

This is just for my own personal motivation :)  Every time I run, I think of this in my head!

I feel amazing.  Man, I missed this feeling.  Can't wait for another good workout tomorrow.  :)

Happy

Frankie and I always got each other cards.  Usually 2 or 3 at a time because we liked funny ones and weird ones, and serious ones.  We always gave each other random cards during the year.  But, I went through all of our Valentine ones this morning.  I love them all for different reasons, but this one just summed up so much of of what I feel every day.  And Frankie would always fill up the whole other side of my cards with the most loving words.
Frankie and I were always so blissfully happy because we had each other.  And even now I feel that bliss because I know he is around me always.   Today I could not help but just celebrate our love even more than I always do.  I saw a few things during the day where I knew he was with me, and I couldn't help but smile because I knew he was next to me...making me happy.  Man, I love my husband so much.  It is amazing how it is so strong, and even stronger through all of this.

I have put the following that Frankie wrote to me on my blog before....but I love it so much, and it is the perfect thing for me that sums up our never-ending love.  Happy Valentine's Day! 


Brooke,

There is an ocean which no eye can see the end. There are no sides, no beaches, no banks, or beds - Just water that continues forever. Within this sea that has no end there is just two people. Just you and me - swimming and splashing, laughing and kissing. I hold you close as I lift my hand from the water we watch the water drip off my skin and it goes back to the ocean drop by drop. I look into your eyes so blue and true to me and say - "Each drop that must fall to fill this ocean is from my heart and each one is a piece of my love I have for you. As you can see it is never-ending. Never. With each passing unit of time my sea of love deepens for you Brooke. I love you."

Love,

Frankie

 

Heart Break

Tonight I am getting that feeling.  That overwhelming build up of emotions inside. My eyes brimming with tears.  Missing my love so much.  That tightening of my chest, because I feel my heart snap again from the pain. 
"I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower’s stem." — Diana Gabaldon

I miss his laugh so much.  I miss all the silly things I would do, just to make him laugh.  To see those eyes light up with love for me, is better than watching the most gorgeous sunrise or sunset I could ever imagine.  I loved it when he would just look at me, and then he would take a deep breath, and I would realize I had stopped breathing too, and we would both just breath in...and no words had to be said, because it was just so right. 

And now my tears have fallen, and I will go to sleep, on my tear stained pillow with hopes of dreaming of his eyes looking into mine. 

And tomorrow I will awake, and I will pick up the broken pieces and gather my broken heart, again... and I will choose to smile and will continue to dream and hope for what will be,  with our eternal love guiding me...

12 Week Challenge

12  Week Challenge.

In January 2009, the gym I went to held a challenge for its members to sign up to lose weight and get into better shape.  I signed up thinking it would be a perfect opportunity for me to lose the weight I had gained from eating dessert every night with Frankie.  Plus, Frankie would be getting home just before the challenge had ended, so I would be looking good for his R&R, and the prize money would pay for our amazing vacation I had planned.  

Well, then March 27th happened, and with just a few weeks before the final weigh in, I  was planning my husbands funeral instead and the challenge fell by the wayside.  I stood a really good chance of winning, and had worked really hard to completely transform my body, but now....all that did not matter AT ALL.  Even though I would have probably won from the additional 15 pounds I lost after Frankie was killed, I honestly could care less about it.

Now, two years later, I am signing up again at the end of this week.  I usually do things like this without too many people knowing, but I have been lacking motivation lately, and have never really needed help in this area, until now.  I love(d) working out, but it just has not seemed important to me lately.  So, I am putting it out there into the blog universe that I am going to get my butt into gear and I am actually really excited to get back to the gym, and feel those endorphins lifting my mood.
Trust me, I need it.

I am looking forward to feeling better, and looking better, and I can't wait to capture that top prize!

And I will NOT be posting before pictures --- :)  No way, no how.   I will keep you updated on my progress though!
 

Tough

Warning!!! This post has some disturbing photos! :) 

So, I made it through into the new year. Past my second year of holidays.  It is hard to say it is 2011.  It is tough knowing that Frankie missed all of 2010 and most of 2009.  It is even more difficult going to family holiday functions alone and having them afraid to mention Frankie, and looking through family albums and seeing my beautiful sisters all having the lives I somewhat imagined.  I am over-joyed for them, but it is tough.  All of it.  I know Frankie's love has gotten me this far.  But, I have realized that  one of the many reasons he chose me, is because he knows how strong I am.  How even though life and things may be tough....I AM TOUGHER!!  He knows how strong my commitment is to him and I know how much he cannot wait to see me again. 

 He knows that even though this course on the the rest of my race in life is going to sometimes be like trudging through thick mud with giant blisters on my heels.........I will not quit!!

  I am tougher than that.

 

We did the Marine Corps Swamp Romp in Hawaii, which is a grueling 5.2 mile course, that includes going over and under barriers, a portion of running on the beach, an ocean swim and low crawls.  These blisters formed well within the first mile.  Frankie wanted me to stop so he could check them out, when I complained about my heels hurting, but I did not want him to see it because I knew it was bad, and he wouldn't have let me continue.  I had to finish the race.  And I did --- With a huge smile on my face. 

   The pain of missing him will not stop me.  I will not look back to see how difficult the path has been.  I will continue to look forward.  I will finish the race, embrace the pain, the joy, our love, and I hope to be smiling the whole way, because I know what my reward will be: 

Happy New Year everyone!  Let's make it a good one!  We can do it!  

Let's make our loves proud!