Rocks!

Rocks --- for some reason Frankie always liked to give me rocks. He would randomly pick one up and sneakily put it in my hand. I kept a few of the rocks and have them in my keepsake box. One of them is pure white and smooth. He picked it up for me during our honeymoon. I wish I would have kept every single rock he ever handed me. I wish I could remember all the rocks and the moments that I feel are slipping away, like they are in some distant and beautiful dream that used to be my life. I wish I had him here to pick up a ridiculously big rock and expect me to keep it --- because I would baby. I would keep all of the rocks in the world just to see your smile when you handed them to me. I love that smile. He would pretend to be sad when I would say --- no baby, this rock likes it right here. It has all of its rock friends --- and I would point out all the other rocks. And then he would go find me a leaf, or a twig, or something else.

Besides my few precious rocks, I also kept a pet branch that we named Maxileafimus (after watching Gladiator). :) The leaf was stuck on the outside of Frankie’s car for like 6 months. It was barely attached, but somehow it would not come loose, and we hoped it wouldn't fall. We didn’t want to take it off --- the little fella just kept hanging on. It started coming loose one day, so we rescued our little Maxileafimus and I kept him to remember how much we cheered him on. The leaf has since well withered, but the branch remains ---
There is great metaphor to that story, but I am pretty tired! :)

So, I will leave this off with why I started thinking about these great moments ---
Frankie wrote this for me and I love it!

TODAY
I SEE TODAY THERE IS NO SUN
I SEE TODAY IT’S JUST DARK AND GREY
SO I CLOSE MY EYES AND LEAVE TODAY
I SEE US TOGETHER AND SMILE. YOU JUST BRIGHTEN MY DAY.

-Frankie Toner IV-

I miss you my love --- I will keep my eyes open for good rocks. I love you.

I WILL

I will continue on this path my love
I will build it strong and true
I will finish what we started
I know your love will carry me through
I will feel you guiding me
And helping me in all I do
Aligning the boards side by side
Held with nails as brave as you
And when my life comes to its end
I will put this hammer down
And we shall have eternity
We no longer will be bound
Our deep void will be filled
With a reunited love so true
Because the path we have built
Will lead me straight to you

B.T.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then.....

I will count the days until you take my hand and lead me to our home on high

I love you baby - Merry Christmas

It has been a rough month. Today, Dec 27th, marks 9 months since Frankie was killed. We were engaged on Christmas night surrounded by my family in 2005. It was such a beautiful night that, thankfully, I have on video. I had no idea Frankie was going to ask me . We never even looked at rings together. He went and picked out the diamonds himself and had them set. It is perfect. Our engagement night was so perfect. He sang to me when we were alone, a beautiful song that I hold dear to my heart. I miss him so intensely - and I am so frustrated that every time I try to talk about him, people skirt around it - or change the subject or try to comfort me by telling me I will find someone else ------ that just plainly makes me angry. It stings every time - the same painful sting. Frankie is my husband - and always will be. So, if you want to comfort me, and those words come to mind ---please....don't say anything at all.

So, just a few pointers for those dealing with this widow:

I am not single!
I won’t meet someone else!
I will not get over losing my soul mate – ever!
Frankie will not send me someone else!

I am his one and only.
I am his girl.
He is the only person I have ever told I loved – I waited to find him.
We know we are God-given.
It is OK if you don’t understand a love like ours.
Just watch – 10 years down the road – you will all keep saying the same things.
20 years down the road – you will think I made a mistake – and that I chose this path…it is anything but a choice.
30 years down the road – I will be 60 -and you will say - it is too late for her now.
40 years down the road –You will say – It’s too bad she never remarried – she must be lonely.
50 years down the road I will be 80 – you will say – she lived a good life - I bet she looks forward to being back with her love now that she is older.
I hope I do not have to wait that long to see my love – But I will wait and I will love him more and more everyday until I do – Until we are reunited.
We are Mr. and Mrs. Francis L. Toner IV – and will be forever ---whether you like it or not.

But long or short though life may be

'Tis nothing to eternity

We part below to meet on high

Where blissful ages never die" — Emily Brontë

"Love is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." — Helen Hayes

Life is Good

So, I just finished translating Frankie's Journal that he kept over in Afghanistan...well, actually one of the only journals he has ever kept. And I say translating because sometimes Frankie's handwriting isn't the easiest to decipher - I am pretty good at it, but there are a few words I am still working on. :) His Journal is short, but says everything it needs to about how to correctly live a good life in its few entries. I am so amazed more and more everyday at how good of a man Frankie is. I have always thought that if more men were like him, this world would be a much better place.

One of my favorite lines is the first line in his journal because it is how both of us will feel forever. I thought I would share the first paragraph because it is so Frankie. :)

~Frankie writes:

"And so it begins. I love my wife. And my wife loves me. I have awesome and supportive parents with nothing but the best family including my extended family which I mean Brooke’s fam. I belong to the greatest church and I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who died for me and his Father whose love for all is so much - it cannot be described. I am more than content with my life - I have a calm and peaceful home, a new truck and motorcycle; I even have a wii. I also need to mention I live in Hawai’i - but really these material things are nothing more than things. The stuff that counts are the people in our lives. The things that count are the things that can’t be replaced…like friends and family."

So, like the sticker says on the inside cover of his Journal - Life is Good. I hope all of you realize the important blessings surrounding you.

And so it has already begun. I love my husband. And my husband loves me. That eternal blessing and the knowledge of our Savior and Heavenly Father and my wonderful family and friends will get me through this life and back to my Love. I can't wait to see him again - and I know I will -and with that knowledge -Life is Good -

"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."--Vincent van Gogh

The Scream

In a page in his diary headed Nice 22.01.1892, Munch described his inspiration for the image thus:

"I was walking along a path with two friends — the sun was setting — suddenly the sky turned blood red — I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence — there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city — my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety — and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature."

I did it. I let out my first scream. I think it is the holidays - the hurt. The void. My scream became screams and pounding and crying and feeling. Feeling what I have been feeling since March 27 at 4:30 p.m. The day my sky turned blood red. Feeling hate. Feeling angry. Feeling that my life is a big blur of a dream, that I can’t wait to be over. Feeling exhaused at keeping it in any longer. It built up inside me… in my chest. Where my broken-heart is trying not to break anymore at my lost dreams. My scream built up in my belly, in my head. I could not keep it in. I could not stand it anymore. I hope no one hears me scream – it sounded like someone being tortured – because that is what all this feels like inside me. It physically hurts every part of me.

I am kind of mad at myself for screaming – because now I am sick. And also because I know the Eternal promise Frankie and I have...but sometimes it doesn't make it any easier.

Screaming takes a lot out of a person. But – I guess that is the point.