12.01.2009

The Scream

In a page in his diary headed Nice 22.01.1892, Munch described his inspiration for the image thus:

"I was walking along a path with two friends — the sun was setting — suddenly the sky turned blood red — I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence — there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city — my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety — and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature."

I did it. I let out my first scream. I think it is the holidays - the hurt. The void. My scream became screams and pounding and crying and feeling. Feeling what I have been feeling since March 27 at 4:30 p.m. The day my sky turned blood red. Feeling hate. Feeling angry. Feeling that my life is a big blur of a dream, that I can’t wait to be over. Feeling exhaused at keeping it in any longer. It built up inside me… in my chest. Where my broken-heart is trying not to break anymore at my lost dreams. My scream built up in my belly, in my head. I could not keep it in. I could not stand it anymore. I hope no one hears me scream – it sounded like someone being tortured – because that is what all this feels like inside me. It physically hurts every part of me.

I am kind of mad at myself for screaming – because now I am sick. And also because I know the Eternal promise Frankie and I have...but sometimes it doesn't make it any easier.

Screaming takes a lot out of a person. But – I guess that is the point.

6 comments:

Beau & Lenette said...

I'm glad you let it out....I love you!

Jenn-Lee said...

praying for you. Sometimes screaming and crying is just what you need. Sending you a big hug. Love you.

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deni & Bo said...

Brooke, Been thinking of you tons. I feel for what you are going through. Can't imagaine the pain you are in. Remember our Father in Heaven loves you and feels your pain. Love ya girl

Taryn Davis- The AWP said...

I scream too. I get in my car, and scream as loud as I can...different things....but it feels good. Whatever triggered it or boiled to the top needed to be released in some way, and just keep screaming if it gets you one day closer to him :)

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. "
— Colette

Jenielle said...

I am so glad you were finally able to scream. Don't stop!