Proud Military Widow

Tonight I was having a conversation with a dear friend. I referred to myself as the dreaded word - “WIDOW.”
It was difficult for her to place me in that category. She did not want to call me a widow. She said she pictured like an old black widow, decrepit type of woman - wearing all black.

I picture that too.

But, unfortunately, the reality of this horrible situation is that I am a - duh, duh, duh…Widow. A 29 year old widow. For those of you who know me and Frankie well – this is a life sentence for me. A life sentence in “widow prison.” A prisoner of the mortal realm.

I read this quote the other day - "Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."- Orison Swett Marden
It is good, but I thought…what if our legs feel as if they have been taken from us? What if our purpose for living were removed? With Frankie no longer physically by my side, it feels as if my legs are gone.

I can’t seem to move
I can’t seem to rise
I can’t seem to be who I used to be
Without you by my side
I walk with my legs cut from under me
I run with nowhere in sight
I wake up and dread
What is left for me
I lay awake paralyzed
I sleep with no dreams
I arise with no dreams
I cry with no end in sight
Who is this person
Why can’t I look at my face
Why can’t I feel
Why can’t I be who I used to be
Without you….there is no me.
I never used to say I can’t
And now
I can’t breathe
I can’t move
I can’t be
I can’t be
I can’t….
But I must.

Sad, I know...Sorry, it is the widow in me :) ,but sometimes I can't help but feel hopeless. Other times - I am full of life and trying to fulfill my purpose - and I am like OK, Lord - Send me! I am here - help me so I can get back to my love already! I know that the Lord and Frankie will give me back the strength and guidance I need. I am grateful for the assurance of an eternal marriage – and for the Lord blessing me with such an amazing man. I know that our relationship is everlasting, and present, even through death, and the passage of time.

So, I have to learn to cope with my widow prison.

I must and am trying to “Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you (I) love, in the testimony which you (I) carry in your (my) heart concerning things divine." - Gordon B. Hinckley

……….I love and miss you so much baby. I know we will be more than fine and we will grow and be strengthened by this. I know this calling is just as difficult, if not more, for you than me. The Lord is with us and I am grateful that I have such a strong and faithful wife. Thank you Brooke. No worries about me, no matter what know that I Love you and that I am coming home to you. As long as you think of me I will always be with you and that I am always in your heart, and that you are always in mine. If you’re missing me just pray because I know the Lord will comfort us in this. 1st Nephi 3:7 (I know you read it). Brooke, please be safe and always have S.A. (Situral awareness) ((*for us this meant situational and spiritual combined)). I love you. I have to get going now.
Love you lovehead face…
To the love,
Your best friend, husband, and forever love,

I Love you too baby – This is extremely difficult – I know it is for you too. We will make it my love. I will make it. I would choose to be in this life sentence of widow prison again and again, if it meant being blessed with you and this amazing love we have. The Lord loves us , and I know we will be together again.

I love you so much - so, so much.
Your best friend, wife, and forever love,
And now
Your Very Proud Military Widow,


Clair said...

Brook, You are so amazing and strong. I could not imagine in a million years going through what you are going through right now. Even with all that I know and believe I would still have a hard time finding comfort in that I would see my love again someday, because again just could never be soon enough. I admire you. My eyes cry when I read your loving words. Take care,

Taryn Davis- The AWP said...

I love this...and I love y'alls love for each other. This quote, I think, sums up so much of our reality. The fact that we are no longer "bipeds" without our soul mates by our side.

“To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce,continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. . . . At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”

Love you and thank you for your strength, and sharing the title with me.

Kelly said...

Thanks for writing and keeping your blog going. I am amazed at you and cry over the strength and beauty you posses. You advice to yourself and other is simple and true...thanks for sharing it.

Talia said...

You seriously are so AMAZING!!! I always knew that you were so strong but most of all so LOVING...

I want you to know if you ever can't sleep it is probably day time here in England so you can call me.