"Happy" Birthday....

(All little pieces from my last Birthday card from Frankie while he was training at Fort Riley before being deployed).  

There is so much I could say about turning 30 and what my past amazing birthdays have been like with Frankie, but the one thing that will come out of it is exactly what he said in my last birthday card that he ever gave me.... and that is that I wish we could be together.  This is not how I pictured my life at 30 going...but I know Frankie's love will get me through another day --- closer to him.

Love you baby. You are with me always.

The Gene Machine

If X = Love

So, lately I haven't been able to write very much, it just spirals down to this really dark place that I have been in recently, and I stop.

I have been wanting to post something for a little while, and was not sure what to put. Tonight, I found it! I was going through this treasure box, where I have kept things that Frankie has given me or things that we have done from the time we started dating. I have old notes, his football game tickets, even napkins that he wrote on. I even have the first gift he ever gave me, which is an old lollipop with a disgusting worm inside! Weird, I know... but I love him for it!

So, I scanned some of the things that were aging rapidly and falling apart to have them forever, and these two stood out!

I love how he wrote me an equation of how much he loves me in response to a love note I had sent him during church. The number is endless.

And the second image is just ridiculous. It is our computer generated future child....

Our Francis Lawrence Toner V. Our friends went in and they had a cute little baby created. Frankie and I went in, and came out with a 7 -year old child! With a flat-top crew cut! I know we would have had a huge baby, since Frankie was 11 lbs and all of my 7 siblings weighed anywhere from 8-11 pounds.

I truly wish we would have had the chance to have our freakishly huge baby. :) I am making light of it, but I am turning 30 in a few weeks, and always imagined we would be amazing parents by now. Our kid would have been a looker... and Frankie would have been the best dad.

I just miss him so much. I miss how weird we are together, and how much we laughed together, and made funny noises and sang each other songs, and looked forward to the future together, and how we motivated each other and how we selflessly loved. I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his jokes, his kiss, his skin, his face, holding his hand, his stories, cooking him dinner, sleeping by his side, waking up and seeing him watching me sleep, watching him sleep, playing games, going on walks to the beach, working out together, him playing with my hair, going on dates to the dollar theatre, sitting next to him at church, his letters, notes and poems for me, my best friend, my everything, my husband.

I miss and love him infinitely times 10 to the infinite power. :)

Falling in love ROCKS!

My little sister Ashley got married on Friday June 4th. It was such a beautiful day. She asked me to do a remembrance of Frankie and I was honored to be a part of her ceremony, and be able to share what a special gift it is to fall in love. I read them something Frankie had written for me, and changed the end and took out the personalized lines for Frankie and I in it, to be for them.

I was able to see her and Matt's love, as well as feel the love that Frankie and I share. This is what I shared with them just before she walked down the aisle.....

"Today I stand here with you to honor your love and watch you commit your love to one another. Joining in marriage, bringing a family together, promising to love---

I have loved seeing you fall in love in such a short time.

I know that feeling --- I am still falling in love every day.

We all know and feel Frankie's presence today --- His love knows no bounds

And this poem he wrote should be an everyday feeling the two of you should carry with you the rest of your lives and even beyond.

He called it

---Falling---

You're falling

When you smile ear to ear when you see them

When five hours seems like five minutes

When the world stops spinning when you're together

When you get lost in your own little world

When a kiss gives you the tingles

When a hug is all you need

When you can sit in silence and love it

When you enjoy doing things for them

When one of your favorite things is to watch them sleep in your arms

When all you want is for them to be happy

When you smile when they call even though they cannot see it

When nothing else matters when you're together

These above are the the signs that you feel when you're falling in love

And Matt and Ashley this is why I know you have fallen in love.

Ashley and Matt,

Keep falling in love and with every setting sun show one another the love you have.

I still feel mine and Frankie's love growing every day.

He is always with us."

I then lit a candle by a photo of Frankie and his smiling face.

I am so happy for my sister, her son and Matt.

I love, love.

John Wooden's Love Letter

I posted this on facebook, and love it so much I wanted to post it here.

John Wooden passed on June 4, 2010. I know his reunion with his wife was a beautiful one, and I look up to him for continuing to keep his promise that there will never be another. I know exactly how he feels.

"Truly, truly, truly love. The most powerful thing there is. It's true. It's true. It must be true."

Poem, by Sven Nater:

Once I was afraid of dying,
terrified of ever-lying,
petrified of leaving family, home and friends.

Thoughts of absence from my dear ones,
brought a melancholy tear once,
and a dreadful, dreadful feeling of when life ends.

But those days are long behind me,
fear of leaving does not bind me,
and departure does not hold a single care.

Peace does comfort as I ponder,
a reunion in the yonder,
with my dearest one who is waiting for me there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tySxPue9Dmw

Mourning Booth

Today a friend contacted me; her niece's fiance died last week. She told me that her niece told her the pain was so bad, all her muscles hurt, and sometimes it felt like someone was standing on her chest. I know that pain. That continuous ache. She asked me for help on what to say...what words would bring her niece comfort. How could she assure her that the pain would subside?

I could not think of any words. I do not know if the pain will subside. Because as time passes for me, the pain seems to increase. Everything is painful --- thinking, writing, smiling, crying, sleeping, driving, dressing, moving, breathing, living. It all hurts. Even describing it hurts. I am not good at sharing my pain; I actually prefer not to, because it is too difficult for me.

What doesn't hurt, is talking about him, sharing our love, our time here. It makes him so real. It brings him here. He IS real. He is my eternal love. Without any doubt. That warms my soul and makes the pain subside.

I love that people always want to know what words will help. I appreciate it. I truly do --- even when most of the time, the things are not always the right thing, or the best thing to say; at least they try. Grieving and mourning are painful, but after a loved one dies --- everyone grieves differently, everyone has different pain. It seems like it will never end --- and I know I am still in the valley. I am mourning; my friend's niece is mourning. It hurts. There is no magical formula on what words to say.

What I do know is that there is comfort in all the pain. From my love; and from my Savior. I feel them both guiding me and helping me, and strengthening me. I find comfort in sharing stories with other widow's, and the love we have and will always have. I find comfort in my sister sitting with me in my room, while I share pictures that no one has seen, or while I read her all the poems and notes Frankie has written me, or her taking on the difficult task of dusting Frankie's flags, pictures, plaques, and awards for me while I travel. I find comfort in love. The love of my soul-mate, the love of my Savior, the love of all those who miss their spouse, fiance, friend, sibling, child....

And I especially find comfort in the knowledge that I know we will see them again. We will.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWdQRf0qbZI