More than just a dog.

 Frankie and I always talked about our future dogs.  We would have two.  He wanted to get me one if he got deployed, but because his deployment was not the typical one, and one that came up so quickly, the timing was wrong.  Plus, I wanted him to take part in the puppy-hood stage.  We had the names picked out and everything.  

Our puppy plan is sounding similar to our having children plan!  :)  Well, obviously we never got that chance, so I am working on the one that I can.  I am so excited to have a puppy.  He is my baby that I always wanted by age 30 and the new little guy in my life for the next 10 - 15 years.


 I am so excited his name will be Kailua.  Frankie and I picked that name out to always remember our first long-term duty station in Hawaii.  One of our favorite places in the world.  The place that will always remind me of our first and second year of marriage.  The place where we would takes walks or runs almost everyday down to the beach.  I loved holding his hand, talking and laughing about everything, but mostly our about our future together, and how we could not believe how blessed we had been so far and could not wait for so much more to come.  


Having a puppy is a big step for me because to me it represents so many things.  First -- I am ready to take care of not only myself, but another living creature.  Next, I am actually imagining being here on this earth for another 10 - 15 years of my dog's lifespan.  Right after Frankie was killed, I thought God would be nice and find a way to take me right along with him somehow.... I imagined a vicious great white shark attack, a car accident, dying from a freak gasoline fight (Zoolander reference) :)   or maybe even the end of the world.  But, it has been a year and 4 months and none of those things have happened yet ---- and I can honestly say I am happy they didn't happen.  Although, death doesn't scare me, I know there is still so much for me to do in this life, and Frankie will be there throughout it and at the end no matter what - whether it is 5 years or 75 years more.  And lastly, I am still going to work on mine and Frankie's hopes and dreams... with our puppy by my side.  

The Toner's Pup

From time to time, people tell me,
"lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance traveled,
the time spent, or the costs involved for
"just a dog."
Some of my proudest moments have come about with
"just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was
"just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog,"
and in those days of darkness,
the gentle touch of "just a dog"
gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog,"
then you will probably understand phases
like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or
"just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence
of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and
patience that make me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early,
take long walks and look longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams
of the future, the fond memories of the past,
and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and
diverts my thoughts away from myself and the
worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that
it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps
me from being "just a man."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog."
just smile, because they "just don't understand."

by: Sandra Dee Adopted Shepherd Mix, Born May 2004. 

"Love is the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is not found only at the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arched across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, and neighbors! Love, like faith, is a gift of God. It is also the most enduring and most powerful virtue."
—Gordon B. Hinckley

My Birthday Rainbows.

"Happy" Birthday....

(All little pieces from my last Birthday card from Frankie while he was training at Fort Riley before being deployed).  

There is so much I could say about turning 30 and what my past amazing birthdays have been like with Frankie, but the one thing that will come out of it is exactly what he said in my last birthday card that he ever gave me.... and that is that I wish we could be together.  This is not how I pictured my life at 30 going...but I know Frankie's love will get me through another day --- closer to him.

Love you baby. You are with me always.

The Gene Machine

If X = Love

So, lately I haven't been able to write very much, it just spirals down to this really dark place that I have been in recently, and I stop.

I have been wanting to post something for a little while, and was not sure what to put. Tonight, I found it! I was going through this treasure box, where I have kept things that Frankie has given me or things that we have done from the time we started dating. I have old notes, his football game tickets, even napkins that he wrote on. I even have the first gift he ever gave me, which is an old lollipop with a disgusting worm inside! Weird, I know... but I love him for it!

So, I scanned some of the things that were aging rapidly and falling apart to have them forever, and these two stood out!

I love how he wrote me an equation of how much he loves me in response to a love note I had sent him during church. The number is endless.

And the second image is just ridiculous. It is our computer generated future child....

Our Francis Lawrence Toner V. Our friends went in and they had a cute little baby created. Frankie and I went in, and came out with a 7 -year old child! With a flat-top crew cut! I know we would have had a huge baby, since Frankie was 11 lbs and all of my 7 siblings weighed anywhere from 8-11 pounds.

I truly wish we would have had the chance to have our freakishly huge baby. :) I am making light of it, but I am turning 30 in a few weeks, and always imagined we would be amazing parents by now. Our kid would have been a looker... and Frankie would have been the best dad.

I just miss him so much. I miss how weird we are together, and how much we laughed together, and made funny noises and sang each other songs, and looked forward to the future together, and how we motivated each other and how we selflessly loved. I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his jokes, his kiss, his skin, his face, holding his hand, his stories, cooking him dinner, sleeping by his side, waking up and seeing him watching me sleep, watching him sleep, playing games, going on walks to the beach, working out together, him playing with my hair, going on dates to the dollar theatre, sitting next to him at church, his letters, notes and poems for me, my best friend, my everything, my husband.

I miss and love him infinitely times 10 to the infinite power. :)

Falling in love ROCKS!

My little sister Ashley got married on Friday June 4th. It was such a beautiful day. She asked me to do a remembrance of Frankie and I was honored to be a part of her ceremony, and be able to share what a special gift it is to fall in love. I read them something Frankie had written for me, and changed the end and took out the personalized lines for Frankie and I in it, to be for them.

I was able to see her and Matt's love, as well as feel the love that Frankie and I share. This is what I shared with them just before she walked down the aisle.....

"Today I stand here with you to honor your love and watch you commit your love to one another. Joining in marriage, bringing a family together, promising to love---

I have loved seeing you fall in love in such a short time.

I know that feeling --- I am still falling in love every day.

We all know and feel Frankie's presence today --- His love knows no bounds

And this poem he wrote should be an everyday feeling the two of you should carry with you the rest of your lives and even beyond.

He called it

---Falling---

You're falling

When you smile ear to ear when you see them

When five hours seems like five minutes

When the world stops spinning when you're together

When you get lost in your own little world

When a kiss gives you the tingles

When a hug is all you need

When you can sit in silence and love it

When you enjoy doing things for them

When one of your favorite things is to watch them sleep in your arms

When all you want is for them to be happy

When you smile when they call even though they cannot see it

When nothing else matters when you're together

These above are the the signs that you feel when you're falling in love

And Matt and Ashley this is why I know you have fallen in love.

Ashley and Matt,

Keep falling in love and with every setting sun show one another the love you have.

I still feel mine and Frankie's love growing every day.

He is always with us."

I then lit a candle by a photo of Frankie and his smiling face.

I am so happy for my sister, her son and Matt.

I love, love.