Light - Chested

I hope your birthday yesterday in heaven was fabulous.  I hope we made you proud. Your love continues to spread into all of our lives.

It is amazing how one day can be so amazing, and then there are days like today where the realization hits that Frankie was killed only 18 months ago today.  Today had its ups and downs.  I shared laughs and tears at lunch with Amanda (Frankie's sister) and an amazing friend I met who he trained with at Fort Riley.  Dinner was spent with good friends we made in Hawaii.... but there was a cloud on the whole day, because it is the 27th. It was hard to lift that cloud.  It is hard knowing that when I drive to the cemetery, that I will be doing this the rest of my life, until I am in the grave with him.

A year and a 1/2.  It feels so long ago.  Today I found out more information about how Frankie was killed.  Facts I did not know, or that were somehow skipped in the investigation report.  How am I just finding this out?  It is tough to take in, but I am even more proud of him.  He is a hero, and deserves the highest honor that I will fight my entire life to get for him if I have to.  A year and a half later, my love --- ugh.

I love him more today than last.

I will love him forever.

So far it is not easier, and sometimes I wonder how breath continues to fill my lungs.

And I know it comes from him.  From the love he breathes into me.
And when I feel it, my love, my heart beats so fast and so hard I get all "light - chested"  like we used to say, and I know you are here, and I know that you will continue to fill me with your love all of my life.

That smile on my face now is from the love I have been so blessed to feel.
That motivation to continue comes with the hope that I will live my life to reach you someday.

I miss you Frankie. I love you. As you did to me --- I will make you so proud.

Missing You ---

 Missing you, by Jem.

Forever Forward

                                                    

I saw this poem on another blog and wanted to post it on mine:  


"It isn't letting go

its going on.

It isn't only shadows 

and it isn't only dawn. 

It isn't GETTING THROUGH IT 

...it's letting it come through me, 

not living in the darkness 

though the darkness I can see. 

Its living with the sorrow 

but finding memories sweet. 

Its knowing that it takes both sides 

to make it all complete. 

It's soaking up the sunshine 

along with the rain 

Its learning to let laughter 

live side by side with pain. 

Its knowing that the past 

won't change a love that's real 

or take away the joy you brought 

or the sorrow that I feel. 

Its knowing tears and laughter 

can live on the same face, 

and your impression on my heart 

can never be erased."


The only part I don't really like, is the beginning about going on.  I hate anything with the connotation of "life goes on"  or "moving on"
I understand that life goes on, trust me.... when it felt like the world should have stopped moving...It didn't.....
but for me it is about moving forward --- trying to embrace life again, with all that has been taken from me for now.  
I am trying to keep that all-important eternal perspective.  I like to say I am moving 
FOREVER FORWARD. 
 And somehow I know Frankie is always by my side, and will be my side 
physically again.  


"And so make life, and death, and that vast forever one grand sweet song." 
- Charles Kingsley


With every setting sun my love grows for you Frankie.  A hui hou!

Happiness -- by me.

"People think they know you. They think they know how you're handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know what's going on inside your head--the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and pain. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better. 
Everybody but you."

— William H. Woodwell, Jr.

It is amazing really how so many scatter and disconnect from the grieving.  It is almost like a separate loss after already losing everything.  After Frankie's burial, we had a beautiful gathering, where everyone just got up if they felt like it and said a favorite memory, or a funny story about something they did with Frankie.  There were some tears, but mostly laughing out loud at the crazy things Frankie would do, or praising him for his amazing qualities.
I remember when his Dad got up, he asked everyone who was there not to forget me, and then had them raise their hands if they would be here to support me in the long-run.

EVERYONE raised their hands --- and at that moment, it felt great --- I felt a little reassured.

But now, most of those hands are just blurs of a broken promise.  Not all, but most.

I say I am doing fine, or great... and they pretend to believe me.  Or they just don't care enough to even find out.

Sorry, I usually try to keep things pretty positive on here, for Frankie ---
And for me, but this is such a strange reality for me.

I am a widow --- not a leper.

I am amazed by this concept really, and frustrated, but  I have learned there are amazing people out there and I have learned to rely on them ---

But mostly, I have learned to rely on myself, and on our love.

I have learned to raise my hand, for my own happiness --- and am eternally grateful for Frankie's unconditional love and for the people who have helped me when my arm feels weak.

Happy Anniversary

As this day ends, I think of where Frankie and I were four years ago.  Just married, starting our amazing honeymoon, and the rest of our amazing lives together.

Who would have thought this would be the hand we would be dealt?

The pain of this is indescribable.  Missing him on this day, where we looked into each other's eyes and vowed to God and to one another, a sacred promise to love eternally.  We were so happy that day...we kissed before we were supposed to during our ceremony.  We could not help it, our faces just kept getting closer and closer.  We were so ready and excited to be married.  By the end of the night our faces actually hurt from smiling so much.  

Everyone says remember the memories --- and how I cling to them, but sometimes I think, he is so much more than that.  I have felt his love, his kiss, his shining soul and smile looking into mine.... And sometimes memories simply are not enough.  I wish I could explain how perfect we are for each other.  How wonderful every moment together was.  Together we are undefinable, perfectly matched, and if put simply -- eternal soul mates.  And that is what will get me through.  Not just amazing memories, but the fact that I know the universe brought us together --- and could not be cruel enough to take him from me forever.  That his love still grows for me, and mine for him.  And that we will be together again.  

I am truly amazed by our love --- I am in awe of the man I love and will continue to feel that love and show him everyday.    

I think Frankie put it best in our last anniversary card at two years.  We did not spend the day together, because he was in Kansas training for his deployment, the last couple of lines define so much of how I feel today.  

...I could never be fully myself without you by my side.  There is this void now that I know can never be filled again until you're next to me and we are holding hands and looking into each other's eyes whispering I love you.  I love and miss you so much babe and wish I could be there with you on our day.  

To the love,

Frankie

“The dawn is not distant, nor is the night starless; love is eternal."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Of all the music that reached farthest into heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart." 

--Henry Ward Beecher