OK! Fine... I'll admit it:
I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it. I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy. Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.
I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt. It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan. 6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while. Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be. It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.
But, I know that I won't, I haven't. I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me. I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me. I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable. I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die. But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.
"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."