OK! Fine... I'll admit it:  

I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it.  I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy.  Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.

I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt.  It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan.  6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while.  Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be.  It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.

But, I know that I won't, I haven't.  I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me.  I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me.  I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable.  I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die.  But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."


Anonymous said...


Ride it out, hun and keep on pushing. You have come far and yes, you still have a long way to go but he's right there next to you every.single.step.of.the.way. Believe in that and find comfort in it.

I'm so glad you've posted a mini update. I love knowing that you are doing well even if you don't feel like you are. I love knowing that you're still pushing even if you don't want to.

As always, you are so very strong.

I'm rooting for you. <33

Anonymous said...

<3 never. Ever. Ever. Give up. You do not know me, but I am screaming and cheering for you!! My brother in law is in afg now, and I send my love (for the third time) in a week! You give me hope and peace. Your love for Frankie is undying, unshakeable, unforgettable. Lay in bed for however long....lay till laying is not the answer anymore, then do the next thing that helps you...and the next, and next! Thinking of you and sharing your story with my mom today, one more person will know of Frankie and will know of your everlasting love. :)

Ambre said...

I just love you and think you are such an incredible person. Its true, sometimes we just need to let the sadness overcome and mope for a second, because life seems that much better when we pick ourselves back up and realize that so many people care about us and are rooting for us to win. You are such an incredible example of love because you have so much of it in your heart. Its so easy to just throw everything down sometimes and yell "This is so NOT fair!", because its true..life is so not fair sometimes...but we're only given as much as we can handle, and Heavenly Father knows you..and He knows you will always keep going..... making your life brighter and the people around you smile. You're amazing :)

Elizabeth said...

Dearest Brooke,

My name is Elizabeth. Last night while laying in bed I was on the bodyrock.tv website. I wanted to look at people's "before and after" pictures so I typed in "before and after" in the search box and your and Frankie's picture was one of the ones that came up. That is how I learned about your blog spot. I ended up spending a couple of hours reading your blogs, rereading, and crying and crying. I stayed up until 4:30 thinking of you and sending my love, hoping that the love that I was sending would somehow soothe you. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through my dear Brooke. My heart aches for you. In your last post you said that you feel like you are letting everyone down, including yourself. Please don't feel that way. You are understandably going through immense pain. Who wouldn't crumble and falter once in a while? Brooke, even though I do not know you, I love you and will keep you in my thoughts. And if there is anything that I can do to help you feel better, even if just for a moment, let me know.

A fellow bodyrocker,

It's Toner Time said...

Thank you so much for all of your comments and motivation and support! It truly means more than you know! Especially my fellow bodyrocker Elizabeth! It means the world to me that you took the time to read my blog and get to know a little bit more about Frankie and I. You comment encouraged me more than you know, and I love how you said, "who wouldn't crumble and falter every once in a while" Sometimes I feel like I have to be so strong, because I was so blessed to have Frankie and that I am letting him down when I grieve, but I know that isn't true, and I do feel you sending me strength and love!

Keep Rockin'!

Jenielle said...

My dear we are at our most perfect when we allow ourselves to break free from pretense and constraint and let ourselves feel. You only have to put one foot in front of the other and forgive yourself for being human. You are wonderful my friend...no matter what!