Restless

Another restless night. I don't think there has been one night where I have been able to fall asleep without a struggle. I have been forcing myself to sleep in my bed the last few nights. I have been sleeping on a couch ever since Frankie left for Afghanistan, because that has been the easiest place for me to fall asleep. I think I have slept in a bed under 10 times...not counting hotel stays. There is just something about being able to fall asleep feeling held by the back of the couch...or distracted by the TV. I loved sleeping next to Frankie. We could sleep anywhere next to each other. We used to sleep in his Grammy's basement on the tiniest couch ever when we first started dating, and both of us had twin beds. So, moving to a full-sized bed seemed unecessary when we got married, but we did, because that is what our condo came furnished with! We would both wake up in the middle of the night, and reach out for one another if we were not touching.

I loved falling asleep with Frankie holding me, and waking up in the exact same position. I loved opening our curtains, with our wall of floor to ceiling windows and look out at the mountain peaks highlighted by the moon and the stars. I loved hearing and feeling the breeze coming in through our windows with the noises of the neighbors laughing,or the baby crying across the way. I loved the tick of the sound our fan made. I even loved how sometimes we would sweat a little, because Frankie was the air conditioning Nazi. I would just lay there wrapped up in him still. I loved waking up when he would be watching me sleep...or when I would sleep in, and he would be dressed and ready for work and gently kiss me goodbye. I loved waking up and watching him sleep, and hearing him breathe, and feeling his heartbeat with my head, or hand.

I loved how he would tell me how when I woke up everyday I always had a huge smile on my face, no matter what...and I would always reach out to him for him to come back and give me another kiss...and hold him tight and tell him not to go, to lay with me some more. I love how when he would go to leave, he would always come back and kiss me...like 5 times and he would have to force himself to leave the house. He would be like, "Okay, I have to go...I really have to go now...I'm gonna be late, I really need to go." He would be out the door, down the hall, and turn around and come back to kiss me again.
I have moved to sleeping in my bed because, I want to lay where Frankie would have laid. I always untuck the other side of the bed for him to come lay by me, and hold me. I position myself the way that I would have fallen asleep in his arms. I hope that sometimes, he is able to to come rest by me, and watch me sleep, and see my crazy hair...or mane as he would call it. I hope to see him in my dreams and talk to him, and smile and laugh how only we did together. I lay and stare now and cry, and take forever to sleep.... and I don't wake up with a smile. Although, for you my love....I certainly will try to face each day and night with the knowledge you are watching over me and missing me the same.
I miss you my love. I hope to see you in my dreams - walking hand-in-hand down the shoreline.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."
-Unknown

A Love Eternal

It has been a year since Frankie left for Afghanistan. I truly cannot believe it has been that long. I really do not have any sense of time lately. Everyday is similar - everyday, I ache. As much as I try to put on a happy face...that is all it is...an exterior smile to mask my interior pain. I can't believe last year at this time Frankie and I were together wiping tears, holding each other, for one last time. Each kiss full of meaning - with purpose - conveying the overwhelming love between us.

But thankfully in between feeling so much pain these days, I am allowed to feel little specs of comfort, and light, and hope, and love -- So much love. Although everyday hurts missing him - I know that love is still here. I feel it -- his love radiates around me. It always has. With Frankie no distance has ever been too great, no physical separation could prevent us from ever feeling it. I am so grateful that I am Frankie's wife! He is my husband. Frankie Toner IV is my forever love - wow! He chose me to be his. I chose him to be mine. We are so blessed.

This is part of a poem I wrote lately - just how I have been feeling ~

He is my one and only---My for all time and eternity

I know we are God-given ---I just wish our time was more

Here on Earth ---On this forever empty shore

Waves crashing, Tears falling Into that never-ending ache

That pool of hurt---that tide of pain

Falling and rising - breaking over me

Until that day when these earthly bonds are broken

and we will rush to hold each other FOREVER more.

Frankie wrote this for me - it is one of my favorites - if not my favorite - I love him so much beyond description, and I feel his love for me! I feel you Frankie! I feel your never-ending love for me!

Brooke,

There is an ocean which no eye can see the end. There are no sides, no beaches, no banks, or beds - Just water that continues forever. Within this sea that has no end there is just two people. Just you and me - swimming and splashing, laughing and kissing. I hold you close as I lift my hand from the water we watch the water drip off my skin and it goes back to the ocean drop by drop. I look into your eyes so blue and true to me and say - "Each drop that must fall to fill this ocean is from my heart and each one is a piece of my love I have for you. As you can see it is never-ending. Never. With each passing unit of time my sea of love deepens for you Brooke. I love you."

Love,

Frankie