I Want My Unicorn!

It has been a very long time since I have shared my life on this blog....

So, the last few years I have ventured out into the place I never pictured myself going.  It was something I pushed away after losing the love of my life because the thought disgusted me about trying to love someone else and if I was even capable of loving so fully again after experiencing such painful loss. Also, knowing full well, that I had near perfection/nay, perfection in a relationship, (seriously, like magical unicorns and fairies riding on rainbows. PERFECT) and knowing nothing could ever seem to match it. 
I got to a point however where I realized I could still be head over heels in love with Frankie, but I somehow let go of the the plan of having him here with me on earth and having the family that we had always planned on.  I let go.  I had to. 

I knew I could grow old all alone...but I was able to come to grips with the reality of...I don't want to. If it had been me who had died, I would have never wished that Frankie would continue to live without the things that we both desired the most. Including a loving relationship.

I want my unicorns, rainbows and fairies, damnit. 
I am a giver, a lover, and being in a loving relationship is one of the most pure, amazing, life embracing, selfless things a person can do.  It is by far the best thing I have done on this earth at this point in my life.  Being able to have pure joy with Frankie and making him so happy while he was here, and knowing that I was loved so unconditionally...makes me crave that. 

So....I jumped in feet first. 

Well, you know those stories you hear from other widows (who I love dearly)....that say, "My husband led me to him.  It was magic."  Wellllllll....unfortunately, I have not experienced that feeling.  If anything it has, sadly, been quite the opposite. 

I have had 3 relationships. 

3 terrible relationships that make me question why I had the feeling that I had to let go in the first place.  I jumped in, and realized that my pool was full of stinky, dirty, rocky sludge, just a little too late.  Three boys who not only used my kind, give the benefit of the doubt heart, and took its already shattered pieces, lit them on fire, danced around them, then got tired and peed on the ashes. 

Yeah, that's descriptive, I know.  But honestly, I have just given so much of me that at this point...there is not a whole lot left.  Sometimes I seriously believe the only way not to go through anymore of this and be with someone who loves me unconditionally is just to die. My love is in some other realm, that I simply think about being in every single day. 

So....the dirty details.  I know that you are dying to hear. (Let's be honest, I'm the only one who will probably read this). 

Relationship #1 used me and my generosity to a point that I don't even think sharing what he did or took from me is worth it.  I should have seen the red flags.  He liked the fact that I still wore my wedding ring because it meant other guys would not hit on me.  The first few months were good.  He was extremely jealous though and insecure because of his past relationship issues.  After 5/6 months he started showing his true colors.  He was just a grumpy human.  He was older than me, never married, didn't treat people well, and started accusing me of ridiculous things,  even searching through my computer history and other nonsense.  He had issues.  Issues I didn't want to deal with.  So, I called it quits.  He begged me to stay...he would change....No thanks dude.  You are mean.

And, I want my F*@cking rainbow!!! 

 #2 - Oh buddy, this relationship was a joke.  I went into this one rather fast after dating #1.  He worked with me and was the new hottie on the block.  I was just drawn to him.  He was outgoing, friendly and always up for a fun time.  I was too.  I didn't want anything serious.  He didn't want anything serious.  I just enjoyed his company and hanging out with him all the time.  We laughed a lot.  We did so much fun stuff together like fishing, volleyball, camping, working out and really just enjoyed our time together.  I'll just say this.  We never were official, but he was my best friend for a while. I loved his family, we spent most of our time together and I thought things were going well and could lead to something more serious... but he just wanted to have me around and thought I would stick because we were so close, but behind my back he decided he needed other girls.  A lot of girls....
What in the??? How do I go from being a man's one and only to this shit???  Not ok.  Fairy killer. :)

Hey douchebags!! I'm a widow, remember?? Who lost the love of her life in a tragic, heroic way? Who is putting her already broken heart on the line, just hoping someone will see her worth and love her! I have a lot of awesome love to give!

You know what is crazy though.  After the hurt I had been through, those two felt like little rubber band snaps to the heart.  Just a little flick...and then I was fine.  I got over it.  I obviously did not love them...they obviously were not right for me.  They had no respect for my heart.

#3.  This one is still pretty raw and fresh.  I'm heartbroken even.  Shattered again. This one really hurts...aches. Me and #3 were good, great even, but after a year and 1/2 of a really awesome relationship he decided that he wasn't sure if he could promise me the future I want.  I could say more, but all I know is that I feel deceived by this one.  He really let me believe that he truly loved me.  I saw a future with him. 

My walls instantly went back up at his indecisiveness. I went right back to a place I was at 6 years ago. 

F@ck dating!! Get out of my life now.

 I miss #3 terribly....but the crazy thing is, I miss Frankie more.  My heartache went instantly back to the love of my life.  The person I didn't ever have to settle with.  The MAN who knew my heart, my worth.  The man who was magic and our love was magic, and we both knew it.  The man who looked into my eyes and knew that he would always look into them and would never make them cry unless they were tears of joy.  The man who knew he wanted to spend eternity with me.  Who made a promise to God and me that he would spend his life doing just that.  The man who actually gave me rainbows on a daily basis in Hawaii...and heart clouds on my hardest days even after death.  Who wrote me love poems and rushed home to spend every wonderful second that we could together.

Frankie was my unicorn. :)

And now I know that magic for me has happened.  And if it only happens once.  I'm ok with that.  I have to be.

I gave the world of widow dating a fair shot. I'm done with it.

And for now...my heart needs to recover before I decide to just end my life to get back to my love. 

I do understand that I have some work to do on my grief.  I know that 6 years later it feels just as fresh.  I lost something so huge, and I don't need a replacement.  I knew every time in these three relationships that when they said the words, "I have such big shoes to fill"...that they didn't understand at all.  I did not compare them or expect a replacement.  I saw them all individually for who they were...and they simply ended up not being enough.  They need to fill their own shoes and know their own hearts and respect mine before they can promise me a future. 

So...for now I  need to just work on myself and somehow figure out my own magical fairyland. 

I know what Frankie and I used to say to one another still rings true, and that because of it I will be alright....

"With every setting sun my love grows for you....To the Love. A Hui Hou"


Jenielle Bailey said...

Love you my dear....Love this honesty and I can relate to the anger. I have had a few guy friends tell me that they would always be there for me and as soon as the sh*t got real they were and are nowhere to be found. Sometimes life just sucks and people do, too. xoxoxoxox

DeRosa080208 said...

I just want you to know that I love you. I know back in the New York days we weren't the closest of friends or anything, but we were friends none the less. I think of you and Frankie often, and I'm so glad that I got to know you, and see you two together. Your relationship has been a big influence on Matt and I's because you two really did have that love that I feel ALL should strive for. I'm so sorry your Unicorn was taken way too early, and I'm sorry that these other Unicorn's have actually just been big smelly donkey's with with toilet paper tubes glued to their foreheads. I hope on the hard days you know that their are so many people who love you, and care about you and want you to know that. XO

Taryn said...

hey dude,
The universe guided me your way today and led me to this post. I know we don't talk anymore but I often think of you because I know that our pacts of undying love with our dead dudes was a commonality I still return to when I feel insane.
When I started dating Luke and saw that you were dating someone, it actually gave me more courage in letting go and letting god. Letting the lessons begin to be taught :)
And man...there have been a ton of them and at the moments where I was ready to go loco and say "Screw the lessons", a sign arrived from Michael and I knew that it was all going to work out.
I recently read that their are 4 stages on our journey of initiation:
1.) The awakening: Recognizing the dilemma
2.) The great departure: Embarking on your journey
3.) The tests: Confronting challenges and adversity
4.) Illumination: the return to bring gifts of knowledge to others

My own dilemma at one point was recognizing that the heart I had caged off for Michael had gone all "Shawshank Redemption" on me when Luke surfaced and all that it would change with my life.

THank you for this. It embodies all that anyone loves about you, mostly Frankie.

K, that's all :)

Anonymous said...


I think of you and Frank often. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this crap.

Mike Ales

Michelle HK, CDR, CEC, USN said...

Dear Brooke, as a CEC officer, I heard of Frankie's death. It hit our community hard. Reading your blog and your devotion to Your love reminded me of a WWII widow, Peggy Harris, whom I met in Normandy in June 2013, when she had only recently found out what had happened to her husband. http://www.cbsnews.com/news/for-wwii-soldiers-widow-a-60-year-mystery-finally-solved/

AntiSatan said...

God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). I believe that even emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates soul ties, but to a lesser degree than a sexual soul tie. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at (www.biblegateway.com). May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.

AntiSatan said...

Please read these verses when you get the chance- Isaiah 55:11-13; Jeremiah 49:11; Psalm 146:9; Psalm 68:5; Revelation 21:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5-8; Isaiah 2:22; 1 Corinthians 7:29-35, John 4:10-15, and John 7:37-39).

If you accept God's way of salvation through Jesus Christ, you will have a future hope because a new earth and new heavens will be created. God will make us new also. All pain, sorrow, and death will be gone in the new world that is to come. You will forget the sorrow of your widowhood in that new world.

Isaiah 54:4-6 (NLT):
"Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth.
6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—
as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,”
says your God.

Isaiah 65:17 (GW):
I will create a new heaven and a new earth.
Past things will not be remembered.
They will not come to mind.

Revelation 21:1-4 (NLT):
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

3 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”