My Heart ---- 11 Months

Shattered Pieces

Fallen apart

Nothing left

But my broken heart

All the kings' horses

and all the kings' men

Have gone

They know to try is in vain

They know I must feel

All of this pain

Before I see you again.

Us

Driving cross-country fell over Valentine's Day. My wonderful friend and I are in completely opposite, yet painful parts of our lives. it was difficult on Valentine's day for both of us. Yet, I was happy when Frankie supplied me with his usual string of heart clouds, which I have been blessed with on my hardest days. (I usually feel crazy when I see them, but somehow I know they are from him). It was his way of giving me a Valentine's card. :) That night I watched my favorite video of him. I save it for special occasions. I love hearing his voice and seeing his face and feeling like he is talking to me. But, on the other hand, I hate it. I hate that it is the only way physically for me to do that. I miss him. I love him.

Beyond words,

Beyond and above,

Are two souls who are intertwined

and attached at the heart,

Beyond description,

Beyond our lives,

Is eternal bliss

To sanctify our souls,

and bring us endless joy

Unconditional love here,

and Beyond is --- Us.

B.T.

Today at Arlington ---

As I pulled up and parked at the cemetery today, the horses pulling the caisson rounded the corner, coming straight for me. I stared at them, and the men riding them. I made eye contact with each one. (The men, not the horses) :) With a little nod, and tears in my eyes…I could tell they all knew I was a widow. I always go to the cemetery after 3 p.m. to try and avoid hearing the gunshots, and seeing those horses pulling a casket, and hearing the bugler play Taps. It is too fresh. Too difficult. It brings me back to April 16, 2009, when I went to Arlington National Cemetery for the first time ever in my life --- Frankie talked about it, and the honor he held for it --- and now his body would be laid to rest there.

I remember every second, every feeling there that day.

I took a single white rose and laid it upon that silver shining metal, which I had to choose to enclose your body in. I looked to the sky before I set it down, thinking…why? Is this real? Is he really in here? Thinking how much I love this man, and I felt him shining down on me. I wanted to drape myself over your coffin, but I could barely touch it…thinking your lifeless body was actually inside. It has to be wrong…you aren’t in here. You are on some secret mission that they couldn’t tell me about. So I lay the rose down, that simple white rose --- Purity --- I know if anyone had reached their level of perfection on earth…it was you and your beautiful, pure soul. I walk back to my chair, and I crumble into my hands and sob, for a second…but then I hear others starting to cry harder around me….I have to be strong….I say out loud, "I’m Okay”...But I’m not….and never will be...Until we meet again.




I remember pulling away from the cemetery that horrible day…but I didn’t want to leave. I have one smile at Arlington in the pictures. But it isn’t a real one. The director of Frankie’s funeral kept telling me I had to leave because people were going to surround me to offer their sympathies. I was doing my pissed off, fake smile…like are you serious, man? I need to bury my husband. Give me a second.

But he had to get me and the family out of there as quickly as possible, so the crowd would disperse, so they could place Frankie in the ground. A part of me wanted to run out of the car, and stay until the last spec of dirt was placed atop of his coffin. All of me wanted to be under the ground with him.

I latched onto that flag like I haven’t anything before. Someone offered to hold it for me until I got to the hotel. I outright refused. This is his. He is mine. This flag is his blood. This flag is forever mine.

I still cannot believe this.

(P.S. Putting these images along with my thoughts was not an easy decision. I hope they stay only on my blog --- Thank you --- Love, B).

An Obvious Love

He could not be any more obvious.
I have been so blessed. On Friday, I was driving up to the North Shore. I stopped at a Shrimp Shack that Frankie and I loved, and then was planning on doing a beach day with a friend. Well, Mother Nature had a different idea. The dark clouds rolled in, and the rain came down. Not wanting to waste a good trip up to the North Shore, my friend mentioned a cool place that I had never been to and that has a beautiful view.
I should also mention, that I had shipped off Frankie’s truck this past Thursday, and left my favorite CD’s in the player. The night before heading up to the North Shore, I had to go buy CD’s, and tried to burn some songs onto it, to discover my disc drive was not functioning. So, I was not able to make a CD for the drive up there, and had to suffer through the same songs played on the radio.
All day, I kept saying, “I wish I had a good CD!”
The place we decided to visit is a sacred place for the Hawaiian people. It is an ancient religious site called a Heiau. The ground is usually surrounded with Lava rocks forming a circle, or rectangle. They are not to be entered, or climbed over, because it is said that it will disturb the spirits. And it will also cause bad luck for the person who dares to enter it.
Most people say not to be surprised if a sudden surge of energy is felt, or someone’s presence is around while visiting these Hawaiian sacred places. It is said to be a gift to feel it.
http://www.portaloha.com/SecretsOfHawaii/PuuOMahukaHeiau.htm
So, while visiting this Heiau, we could see a beautiful view, including some humpback whales. It was also cool imagining what it must have been like so long ago. After we had left the Heiau and were driving down the hill, we stopped and got some fresh Lilikoi (a type of passion fruit) that was lying on the ground in the trees that my friend had mentioned wanting earlier. Further down the road, she said…”Hey look, there is a CD!”
I was like, “No, way!” Laughing to ourselves, we backed up and picked it up off the ground and decided to see if there was anything good on it! :) I swear, it was just sitting there, in good condition and ready for us to come along and take it.
At first, it sounded like terrible elevator music, and I was like, “No wonder they threw it out!” Then I got to the third song, and decided to listen to it for some reason. It was beautiful --- seriously so good….and something I have never heard before. These are the lyrics:

I couldn’t go on living
In a world alone
Without the love you’re giving
I would turn to stone
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
Without
Within

Your love is right beside me
Whether right or wrong
Your are the Light that guides me
When the days grow long
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
Without
Within

When they say that loves conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I yearn for your sweet caress
Knowing that you’re the best for me
Without
Within

When they say that love conquers all
I feel, Oh, so strong
Like an ending without a sum
Would it last too long
Talk about everlasting
Is it hard to do?
Is it too much that I’m asking?
From a girl like you
I need you here by my side
Need for you to confide in me
Without
Within
Without
Within
Without
Within
Without
Within

While listening to the song, I was crying and smiling at the same time, overwhelmed with his love for me. And no, it is not too much that you’re asking. I am yours forever. I know you are still with me.

Somebody said to me last week --- you know Brooke…He is always with you. I saw how much love you two have and will have always. He is always there. I do know with a surety that death has not stopped anything. Death has not taken my husband away. His Death has not made me alone. And although, they call me a survivor --- I do not feel this way. Frankie has physically died, but I can tell you, he is very much alive. Life is eternal. Our Love is eternal. He is still right here. I am still Frankie’s main priority and eternal wife-a-nator. I know it. I know he wishes he could figure out how to set up Skype from the spirit world. But you know what I still have…even if I cannot hear him --- Spiritual Skype. I may not get to see him, but I can feel his spirit around me. I can feel his love now more than ever. I will dream and look forward to having our spirits back together when the gift of death is given to me. How sweet that day will be. How sweet life will be, knowing that Frankie will be guiding me, helping me, showing me the beauty that surrounds me; reminding me, that he is really there. It is not just a saying to me --- He truly will always be there for me, no matter what.
Frankie has made this very obvious. I am so in love with him and thankful that he gave me such a beautiful gift.
It was the only good song on the CD. Thank you my love and the Big Kahuna!

"Is death the last sleep? No - it is the last and final awakening" -Sir Walter Scott

3 years 5 months

Three years and five months. Frankie and I have been married for three years and five months today. I know most people celebrate the year marks, but every month on the 19th, I think of our wedding anniversary. Frankie and I always did something to celebrate it every month. He would always make it a special day, if even in the smallest of ways. One of the last texts I got from him was at 2 years and 7 months (Just 8 days before he was killed). It said “Happy 2 years 7 months baby! I love and miss you so much! Wish I could be there.”

Do you want to know what I did for our 3 year and 5 month anniversary? Probably not…but I am going to tell you. Today I set up moving all of our things from Hawaii to Idaho. Today I said the words Casualty Report too often. Today while going through paperwork, I found one titled “Disposition of Remains” that sent chills throughout my entire body.

Today I realized just how real all of this is. I am preparing myself to go to our storage unit in two days to assist the movers in moving our life together. All of his things are in there, besides his belongings from Afghanistan which came back in 14 black sea chests. His awards, his clothes, his sports gear, his pictures, his love notes from me, our lamps, our wedding album, our hopes, our dreams --- in a storage unit. Our life is in a storage unit.

I love you; I miss you and am even more in love with you at 3 years 5 months. I wish I could be there.

~I Miss You~

Somber days and nights
Looking for some truth
The day I thought would come
Never did
Leaving me here
To dwell among those who shall never know me like you.
I partake of nothing, of happiness, or peace.
My joy dissipated --- my heart left with you.
The lights have faded
My blue eyes now grey
I hate the way the world spins now
And continues on its way
I simply exist now
Just wandering through
This valley of grief, of circumstance ---
I prayed would never happen to a love so true.
My words will never adequately tell

How much I miss you.
B.T.