Death is not the end of love

"I crawl my way back in your head
To hear you speak and dream again
To touch your lips from deep within
A bit like love and heroin
Across the grave invite the bands
Carry well when the world ends
Across you lay, I lose you when you're in my arms
Just like the wind

It's not over, over, over.....It's not over, over, over" - Angels & Airwaves - Crawl Lyrics

The Lonely

I hate the holidays. 
I'm trying so hard, and I don't understand this.  I miss Frankie, I miss our life.  I miss feeling like I belong to something absolutely incredible here on earth, and like I have to wait to be complete again until I die.
I am lonely.  I know everyone will say, but you are never alone...he is always there.  I know that, but sometimes missing him just takes over, and I cannot shake that painful feeling.

Christina Perri: The Lonely

Missing U

Sunday nights.  There is something that makes this night of the week unbearable.  It is a culmination of all the other nights of the week added up without him.  It was one of our favorite nights of the week, where after church we would usually pack a lunch and take a stroll down to Lanikai beach, and read our favorite books, or just sit and look out at our favorite place together.

We would go home, and usually head outside to barbecue a delicious dinner and play phase 10.  We would just laugh and talk and stare at the stars after eating.  Sometimes we would take a dip in the pool.  And then we would wind up the night relaxed on the couch or cuddled up in bed ready for another week to start. 

I miss our Sundays.  I miss every day...but Sundays were always just ours.

Links, links and more links to Frankie's Silver Star Ceremony!

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.   ~Benjamin Disraeli

Watch:

Frankie's Silver Star Video

On September 23, 2011 Frankie received the Silver Star.  This medal was well deserved, and I am so proud of him receiving it!  Words really cannot accurately describe that day.  It was beautifully done, and everything went so smoothly, which I have the amazing Civil Engineer Corps Headquarters in D.C. to thank for it going off without a hitch.  Admiral Mullen, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, presented the award to Frankie.  Him and his wife Debbie have been an amazing support system to me, and I have been fortunate to become rather close to them.  Frankie has made some amazing things happen, and meeting them was one of them. The ties I have made with people since Frankie's death has been incredible.  Somehow he still manages to bring amazing people together and I know that these meetings have not happened by circumstance.  Frankie somehow managed to bring all of our paths together and I am continually proud to call him my husband, my soul-mate, my best friend, and the best person that I have ever met.

A nice news article:

http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=65448

Full video of the presentation: 

Part I: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRnURmNm8SE

Part II:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJu74-7mbjI

This was a day to never forget, and I am just so proud of Frankie. 

 

OK! Fine... I'll admit it:  

I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it.  I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy.  Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.

I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt.  It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan.  6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while.  Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be.  It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.

But, I know that I won't, I haven't.  I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me.  I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me.  I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable.  I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die.  But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."