OK! Fine... I'll admit it:  

I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it.  I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy.  Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.

I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt.  It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan.  6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while.  Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be.  It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.

But, I know that I won't, I haven't.  I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me.  I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me.  I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable.  I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die.  But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

5 Years

Frankie's Grammy is amazing. She was the first family member I met of Frankie's. Her and Grandpa Roger. They have so much love for one another, and I loved Grammy's hugs and Grandpa Roger's winks when he would tease me. Less than a year into dating Frankie, Grandpa Roger had surgery, and unexpectedly died during his recovery. He loved Frankie so much. He attended every Kings Point football game of Frankie's, and spent summer's with him when Frankie was young. He adored him.

Grammy, Frankie's siblings, cousins, and Grandpa peeking through

Grandpa Rogers funeral was only the 3rd I had ever attended and the only one where I really knew the person. He was an amazing man, with an amazing love.  I remember feeling so sad for Grammy knowing that the love they shared was one she would wait for until she saw him again.

Frankie stood and spoke at the funeral service wearing his academy uniform that Grandpa Roger was so proud to see him in.  Grandpa Roger served in World War II. Frankie and I spoke with him about his military service only once. We were out at one of his favorite steak restaurants, and we asked him about that time. Grandpa Roger told us his duty was on the front lines running the communication lines for the men fighting so they could keep in contact with one another. He was literally one of the first ones heading into battle. We saw his eyes glaze over with tears, and could almost see the images that he must have seen, but he did not talk about them. Ever. 

I think of him and Grammy often. I thought of Grandpa Roger during our wedding and felt his love there with us. I think of them on our wedding anniversary because every time I look at my ring, I think of the true love they share and the love I share with Frankie. They both gave us the most amazing gift. The gift of a true example of what it means to love eternally.  Grammy gave me her wedding band with a note just before Frankie and I got married. I wear it with so much pride, and always will. 

Grammy knows how much love Frankie and I share. She gave me another gift right after Frankie's funeral. It is a necklace with a swallow on it from a company called DoDo. It's meaning: Come back to me

One of my favorite quotes I have lived by since Frankie died reminds me of this necklace:

"Be like a bird

That pausing in her flight

A while on boughs to light,

Feels them give way

Beneath her and yet sings,

Knowing that she hath wings." 

-Victor Hugo

I know Frankie cannot come back to me physically.  Although, I hope on occasion he is able to see what I am up to and is able be here in spirit.
There is one thing I have put my faith in on this beautiful journey of life. And that is that I am working my way back to Frankie --- I am growing wings, and moving forever forward in this life and beyond to be with him. I feel him saying Come back to me, my love.
I know the only way to do that is to put one foot in front of the other and live this life fully for not only myself, but for Frankie. To give to others, to keep my faith at the forefront, to exemplify happiness, joy and love, to make new goals and accomplish them even though it is very hard to do that sometimes, and to walk up these uneven, well-worn stairs of faith in this life in front of me.  

Forever forward, Forever upward, I keep telling myself. I will keep going. Until we meet again.  I'm coming back to you, my love ----and our reunion is going to be such an amazing one. 

Happy Anniversary baby, thank you for being the biggest blessing to me in my life, and beyond. 

BodyRocker

I am proud to be a BodyRocker! http://www.bodyrock.tv/

I wrote to Zuzana and Freddy, who I discovered last year, just to thank them for their amazing workouts they post online, and other great tips.  It has now become an everyday habit doing her awesome workouts.  She shared my e-mail online with the rest of the bodyrock community, and the support has been so incredible.  I am so thankful for the motivation that this has given me to accomplish all of my workout goals.

I have loved reading all of the comments, and am so inspired by all of the people who I know are pushing themselves to be their best all around the world, and who I know will continue to motivate me.  Feeling good....Now time to work it!! :) 



http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/07/11/brave-bodyrocker-brooke/

"A portion of your soul has been
entwined with mine
A gentle kind of togetherness, while
separately we stand.
As two trees deeply rooted in
separate plots of ground,
While their topmost branches
come together,
Forming a miracle of lace
against the heavens."

Baby, I have just been so thankful for your soul lately and all it has given me.  In the times where I have needed you the most, you have been here.  On the days, I just want to quit, you have gently reminded me that you are here.  I miss you so much, but in my soul you always stay.  You have found a way to reach into my heart and have kept me going strong and full of love and life.  And without you physically here, that in itself is a miracle. 
Together forever we will stand, and our souls will never part.

I am so in love with you.  You are my best-friend, my soul-mate, my heart.

I love you more and more with each setting sun, and I know you are with me always. 

Love, Your Wifey

Today

Today, I learned how to ride Frankie's motorcycle.  

Turning the key, and having it start was music to my ears after not hearing it for nearly three years.  

I am so happy he had the chance to have that before he died and that we lived every day to the fullest.  

Today I am thankful for great friends, and people who motivate me to be more and do more. 

Today I am thankful for finding out Frankie is receiving a Silver Star.  

A much deserved honor...

and even though it does not bring him back to me,

it just makes me even more proud (if that is even possible).  

Today I am blessed with an amazing family, who I love being around...even if it means staying in Idaho for a while. I am thankful that Idaho is actually growing on me...

Today, I am ready to take on new challenges and work hard for an amazing cause.  

Today --- and tomorrow, and the days that follow....I will be thankful, and I will be hopeful.