The Biggest Loser :)

Image and quote borrowed from American Widow Project's Weekend Wisdom.

“If you try anything, try to live, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don’t work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!”
-Sarah Dessen

Well....I didn't win the 12-week challenge.  Not even in my category.  I was somewhat disappointed, but proud at least to have made it to the finals.  I know that I am feeling better, and will continue to work hard at the goals I have set for myself. 

I have heard from several people that they thought I should have won, at least in my category, but I guess you can't force people to make the right decisions! :)  haha. I really did make a huge transformation, and am proud of where I am, and where I am headed. 

I am still as motivated as ever on this healthy lifestyle.  Although, in New Orleans I caved a couple of times eating things I probably shouldn't have....but man, that southern food.  And those macaroons...yummmmm! 

I have been through so much the past two years, that just signing up and completing the challenge was good enough for me.  (Shhhhh...hush down competitive side...Second place is not the first loser)! :) 

But really, it is so nice to see pictures of myself and not hate looking at it.  I felt so disgusting before and am glad that I am getting back to who I am, and in more ways than just weight loss....I am feeling more motivated in so many aspects of life, and that is what it is all about. 

I will take a picture of my before and after and may even consider posting it on here....maybe :) 

Renewed

I spent this past weekend in New Orleans with 14 other military widows.  I have had some time to process the whole weekend. and just wanted to share with you a little bit of what I have come away with from the AWP Give Back Getaway.

I was interviewed by CNN while we were doing work on a house for a woman named Tanya, who literally lost everything because of Hurricane Katrina.  She lost her home, her health, her financial means, and her community, all because of the devastating affects of a storm, and a breaking levee.

During the interview I was asked several questions, but the one that stood out was...How does coming and serving this community with the AWP help you with your loss?

At the time it was a difficult question to answer.  I knew the two were tied together, and I know that serving others helps to take my burdens away, but it was so much more than that.  Here we were...a group of 15 military widows, helping rebuild the life of another person.  We did not lose the roofs over our heads, but we did lose our sense of home, our sense of belonging and our sense of safety, when we lost the person who we love the most.

By helping Tanya rebuild her home together, we were rebuilding ourselves as well.  We were working together for the common good of humanity, and trying to get a sense of that goodness back as well.

When we went to a homecoming celebration for a family moving back in to their rebuilt home it all came together for me.  One of the St. Bernard Project volunteers was saying a few words and what he said really struck a chord.  He said that it was amazing that volunteers like us, nearly 6 years later were continuing to come to New Orleans and that we are the true heroes.  We are the ones who have not forgotten the people of New Orleans and their struggle.  In reality, it is not even myself or the other volunteers, it is the amazing people who envisioned the organization for volunteers to be able to continue to come make a difference with direction.  They saw the need, and their vision and heroic efforts made the St. Bernard Project what it is today. 
It made me think of how people so easily forget devastation.  If they are not directly affected by it, their lives move on just as they always did.  They might add it to their prayers, or just see it on the news the week afterwards, but then....Nothing.  It is tucked away in their minds and forgotten.  Even I do that, and did do that with Hurricane Katrina.  It took seeing it with my own eyes, the continuing struggle of the people there. 

Sometimes it feels the same way with the wars that we are fighting overseas.  One of my biggest fears is that people will just simply forget Frankie, and will not talk about him 5, 10, 15 years down the road.  And even though no one can heal me, or rebuild a home for me...they can mention him, talk about who he was when he was alive.  That is healing for me.  And the best people I have found to talk about him with are other military widows.  They have brought me back into this life, and taught me so much, and have made me realize that my journey is my own.  They have helped to sand away some of the rough edges that built up in my soul after Frankie was killed, and I know they will never forget, because they have experienced a loss as big as mine....

So, how did this weekend help me with my loss? It reminded me to keep hope, and to be positive, and to always look for the good in people just how Frankie always did, because somewhere along their path in life they have known struggle.  It reminded me that humanity still exists, and there is so much good to be done in this world...we just have to keep our minds and hearts open to it, and not forget about those around us.

I am so thankful for the American Widow Project.  It was truly inspired by love...true, unconditional love, that continues to be shared by all those who choose to be involved.

One of those days

I have so much to catch up on with blogging, like Frankie's amazing bridge, my 12-week challenge results, and getting through the two year anniversary, but I tried starting those blogs today and realized...

That today just sucks. There is no other way to put it.  I miss Frankie so much.  I laid down last night and felt so alone.  I woke up feeling the same way.  It has been hard to smile today, and to put on my happy face. 

It hurts today.  My whole being aches for for Frankie.  My void is so deep, that I feel like nothing can get me out of it.  But that is just today....Or is it?  Because tonight, I will go to sleep alone, and tomorrow I will wake up alone....
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next.

4 years and 8 months baby.  I miss our monthly wedding anniversary dates.  I hope tomorrow will be better.

ONE

When Frankie and I first started dating in March of 2003, we fell in love so fast.  It was just so natural and perfect.  It was as if my whole life led up to that moment of meeting him about 7 months before, becoming good friends, and him developing feelings for me that I was unaware of...until that first weekend we spent alone together.  I kept telling myself we were "just friends"  going on a snowboarding trip together and staying over at his Grammy and Grandpa's.  

Even when we cuddled a bit on the couch watching Braveheart, he put his arm around me, and asked me if it was OK.  I enjoyed it, but kept insisting we were only friends.  I fell asleep with his arm around me.  I remember waking up as the movie was almost over.  He was still awake and just looking at me.  He smiled and said I looked so cute sleeping.  We went upstairs to go into our separate bedrooms, but we ended up in the bathroom brushing our teeth together.  We just brushed and smiled and looked at each other.  It could have been awkward, but I got the feeling that we would be brushing our teeth together more often.  And then he asked me to spend the next weekend with him. He did not want me to be alone on Easter weekend, since I had not planned a trip home.  Easter with his family.  It was wonderful. 

From there our relationship blossomed.  It was so easy.  We were great friends, becoming best-friends, and we had so many special moments in the first few weeks.  Our love story was finally coming true; we had found one another and it felt like we knew one another forever.  And from the moment we kissed..we just felt the magic between us.  We knew we were made for one another.  I remember a few days after Easter, I was dropping Frankie off at his school.  Both of us did not want to part.  It was a warm night, with a misty rain.  I remembered a baseball field not to far from his school.  I went and parked, and grabbed a blanket from the back of my car.  We went to the middle of the field and just talked and laughed in the drizzle.  We kissed our second time, and it was... to say the least, spectacular.  I remember Frankie got a little uncomfortable, like he wanted to say something, but was holding back.  So, he said..."If there was a ever a moment to tell you I love you...this would be it."  Then he got even more uncomfortable and was like.. "Does that freak you out?" Without any hesitation, I said, "No, not at all. And you are right, this would be a perfect time."  So without saying it, because we knew how serious those three words of "I LOVE YOU"  are, we both knew that this was it! We had found each other.  We were up talking until dawn, and then we went and got hot chocolate at Dunkin' Donuts. 

This was only about 2 1/2 weeks into us seeing one another.  It was unexplainable, but it was as if lighting struck and from there on out, our commitment was unwavering. Those feelings literally never weakened during our six years together.  If anything it was enhanced.  Those butterflies got stronger, and we would just look at one another and wonder how we were so blessed. 

We had known we were similar when we were friends, but we quickly discovered we were just like one another.  Weird, outgoing, friendly, adventurous...I had always dreamed of someone like this, but did not think it was possible to meet him.

With Frankie there was never any fear.  When we finally said, "I love you"  about a month and a half later, it was perfect.  We just knew that this was it.  It is almost impossible to explain.

This time of year, I am always reminded of our first snowboarding outing.  I always think of those first wonderful times that led to what we have now...eternal love.  I always had dreamed of meeting the perfect man for me...and without any doubt Frankie and I were each other's dreams coming true.

I have so many wonderful memories that outweigh the bad this time of year.  It was exactly the same weekend 6 years later when Frankie gave his life for his friends.  Next weekend will be tough coming up on two years of Frankie's death. I have been really emotional, and this month has been a tough one for me.

I really cannot describe how it feels...but there is one thing that I know.  Frankie is my one and only.  Always has been, always will be.

I had written this poem a long time ago...even before I met Frankie.  I always wanted to find the man to give it to.   It belongs to Frankie and I am so blessed that I had the chance to give it to him.

ONE

You are the one for me

The one I love so honestly

I want you to know

I'll be there for you

Love you like a lady should

You don't have a clue

How much I love you

I see forever in your gaze

My soul in your heart

An eternity of love

With the best start

Take my heart and make it yours

You are my best friend for sure

My eyes locked to your strength

In your arms I'm so secure

I don't think I understand

That we'll always be

Or you will ever know

How much you mean to me

Our "first song"

So, when Frankie and I first started dating, he did not have a car because he was at a military academy. No cars allowed until their senior year.  I quickly became his sugar mama, ride giving lady.  That's right! Mmmhmmm :)

On our first trip alone together, we were driving up to his Grammy's before heading snowboarding the following morning.  We were in my radio-less car.  It was really awesome actually because we did not need the radio at all.  Well, at some point during the ride, I started humming a song.  Frankie was like....whoa! What song is that?  

I told him and apparently he sang it almost every morning to himself and his roommate for the past little while, and never knew who it was.  Both of us had not heard it forever, but would always randomly sing it.  Brainwaves...maybe!  It is a soul-mate thing, I swear! 

So, I literally have not heard this song since I have been with Frankie and it was definitely a few years before he was killed. And we only heard it maybe twice together...besides when we would bust out singing it at random times.  

Well, tonight, after a not-so-great day...I heard it!  The timing was just right.  I had unplugged my i-pod from my car stereo...which rarely (never) happens.  I turned it to a random station and on came that song.  It ended just as I pulled up to the gym.  Perfect timing. 

I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  I busted out the song like how I would when Frankie and I sang it together.  I had a huge smile on my face, and I said..."Hey baby."  It was just as if he was right next to me, smiling and remembering "Our first song."  I got those familiar chills that make it feel as if he was right there with me in spirit.

And tomorrow, I will wake in the morning, and step outside, take a deep breath...and just keep on breathing knowing he is right there....always.  

And this is the first time I have EVER watched this video.  It is pretty strange...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc