I Want My Unicorn!

It has been a very long time since I have shared my life on this blog....

So, the last few years I have ventured out into the place I never pictured myself going.  It was something I pushed away after losing the love of my life because the thought disgusted me about trying to love someone else and if I was even capable of loving so fully again after experiencing such painful loss. Also, knowing full well, that I had near perfection/nay, perfection in a relationship, (seriously, like magical unicorns and fairies riding on rainbows. PERFECT) and knowing nothing could ever seem to match it. 

 

I got to a point however where I realized I could still be head over heels in love with Frankie, but I somehow let go of the the plan of having him here with me on earth and having the family that we had always planned on.  I let go.  I had to. 

I knew I could grow old all alone...but I was able to come to grips with the reality of...I don't want to. If it had been me who had died, I would have never wished that Frankie would continue to live without the things that we both desired the most. Including a loving relationship.

I want my unicorns, rainbows and fairies, damnit. 

 

I am a giver, a lover, and being in a loving relationship is one of the most pure, amazing, life embracing, selfless things a person can do.  It is by far the best thing I have done on this earth at this point in my life.  Being able to have pure joy with Frankie and making him so happy while he was here, and knowing that I was loved so unconditionally...makes me crave that. 

So....I jumped in feet first. 

Well, you know those stories you hear from other widows (who I love dearly)....that say, "My husband led me to him.  It was magic."  Wellllllll....unfortunately, I have not experienced that feeling.  If anything it has, sadly, been quite the opposite. 

I have had 3 relationships. 

3 terrible relationships that make me question why I had the feeling that I had to let go in the first place.  I jumped in, and realized that my pool was full of stinky, dirty, rocky sludge, just a little too late.  Three boys who not only used my kind, give the benefit of the doubt heart, and took its already shattered pieces, lit them on fire, danced around them, then got tired and peed on the ashes. 

Yeah, that's descriptive, I know.  But honestly, I have just given so much of me that at this point...there is not a whole lot left.  Sometimes I seriously believe the only way not to go through anymore of this and be with someone who loves me unconditionally is just to die. My love is in some other realm, that I simply think about being in every single day. 

So....the dirty details.  I know that you are dying to hear. (Let's be honest, I'm the only one who will probably read this). 

Relationship #1 used me and my generosity to a point that I don't even think sharing what he did or took from me is worth it.  I should have seen the red flags.  He liked the fact that I still wore my wedding ring because it meant other guys would not hit on me.  The first few months were good.  He was extremely jealous though and insecure because of his past relationship issues.  After 5/6 months he started showing his true colors.  He was just a grumpy human.  He was older than me, never married, didn't treat people well, and started accusing me of ridiculous things,  even searching through my computer history and other nonsense.  He had issues.  Issues I didn't want to deal with.  So, I called it quits.  He begged me to stay...he would change....No thanks dude.  You are mean.
 

And, I want my F*@cking rainbow!!! 

 

 #2 - Oh buddy, this relationship was a joke.  I went into this one rather fast after dating #1.  He worked with me and was the new hottie on the block.  I was just drawn to him.  He was outgoing, friendly and always up for a fun time.  I was too.  I didn't want anything serious.  He didn't want anything serious.  I just enjoyed his company and hanging out with him all the time.  We laughed a lot.  We did so much fun stuff together like fishing, volleyball, camping, working out and really just enjoyed our time together.  I'll just say this.  We never were official, but he was my best friend for a while. I loved his family, we spent most of our time together and I thought things were going well and could lead to something more serious... but he just wanted to have me around and thought I would stick because we were so close, but behind my back he decided he needed other girls.  A lot of girls....
What in the??? How do I go from being a man's one and only to this shit???  Not ok.  Fairy killer. :)

Hey douchebags!! I'm a widow, remember?? Who lost the love of her life in a tragic, heroic way? Who is putting her already broken heart on the line, just hoping someone will see her worth and love her! I have a lot of awesome love to give!

You know what is crazy though.  After the hurt I had been through, those two felt like little rubber band snaps to the heart.  Just a little flick...and then I was fine.  I got over it.  I obviously did not love them...they obviously were not right for me.  They had no respect for my heart.

#3.  This one is still pretty raw and fresh.  I'm heartbroken even.  Shattered again. This one really hurts...aches. Me and #3 were good, great even, but after a year and 1/2 of a really awesome relationship he decided that he wasn't sure if he could promise me the future I want.  I could say more, but all I know is that I feel deceived by this one.  He really let me believe that he truly loved me.  I saw a future with him. 

My walls instantly went back up at his indecisiveness. I went right back to a place I was at 6 years ago. 

F@ck dating!! Get out of my life now.

 I miss #3 terribly....but the crazy thing is, I miss Frankie more.  My heartache went instantly back to the love of my life.  The person I didn't ever have to settle with.  The MAN who knew my heart, my worth.  The man who was magic and our love was magic, and we both knew it.  The man who looked into my eyes and knew that he would always look into them and would never make them cry unless they were tears of joy.  The man who knew he wanted to spend eternity with me.  Who made a promise to God and me that he would spend his life doing just that.  The man who actually gave me rainbows on a daily basis in Hawaii...and heart clouds on my hardest days even after death.  Who wrote me love poems and rushed home to spend every wonderful second that we could together.

Frankie was my unicorn. :)

And now I know that magic for me has happened.  And if it only happens once.  I'm ok with that.  I have to be.

I gave the world of widow dating a fair shot. I'm done with it.

And for now...my heart needs to recover before I decide to just end my life to get back to my love. 

I do understand that I have some work to do on my grief.  I know that 6 years later it feels just as fresh.  I lost something so huge, and I don't need a replacement.  I knew every time in these three relationships that when they said the words, "I have such big shoes to fill"...that they didn't understand at all.  I did not compare them or expect a replacement.  I saw them all individually for who they were...and they simply ended up not being enough.  They need to fill their own shoes and know their own hearts and respect mine before they can promise me a future. 

So...for now I  need to just work on myself and somehow figure out my own magical fairyland. 

I know what Frankie and I used to say to one another still rings true, and that because of it I will be alright....

"With every setting sun my love grows for you....To the Love. A Hui Hou"

The Stories We Love Best Do Live In Us Forever

All I can say is that I feel truly blessed.  I found another gift.  I don't know how things keep popping up from Frankie, but they do. Whenever I have needed him the most, he is right there, reminding me and guiding me. I found a disk in his old movie collection that didn't look like much.  I almost went right past it without even another glance, until I found another collection of CD's I had made for him that included the list of songs and titles.  I thought, why not? I'll throw in the backup CD.  So, I looked through some of his old files from his computer and found resume's, homework, letters of recommendation.

And then, there was one folder called: "future" and within that was one titled: "Brooke"

And then, staring me in the face were words I had never read before...to me, from Frankie.  I thought I had read every poem, card, thought or love song that was to be written by Frankie.  And was I ever wrong.  He had written sooooo much more that he was going to give to me over time.  I'm not sure when, but I am sure on special occasions.  He wrote me while we were dating and he was out to sea.  He wrote of what it felt like the first time he held my hand.  He wrote about the first time we kissed.  He wrote about all of our amazing adventures and when I'm saying he wrote about them, he put in details.  Like how the stars shone on a certain night, and the temperatures, the dew on the grass or how the moonlight would shine on my face.  And it brought it all back like a flood.  I suddenly remembered the moments that have gotten hazy.  I remembered the things that have seemed to have disappeared from my memory over time.  I remembered it all. Our beautiful, amazing, magical love.  It was so rare, and so special.  I remembered.....I never forgot....but it made it new again.

He wrote jokes, and said, "I thought maybe you would like to hear a joke baby. That’s one of my favorite things in the world is making you laugh and you making me laugh. I love you."

He wrote about how he knew he was planning on asking me to be his wife.  He wrote about all the places we used to make-out at when we first started dating.  :)  He wrote about all the silly and weird things that we used to do.  We were soooo weird! haha! But lucky in love! Here is an example of some of what he wrote: 

"Today I was just thinking about some of the little weird things about us.

Yep the first thing that comes to mind is your town. I am not sure how it even started, but its hilarious that you some how have a town under your arm that is ruled by a tyrant. I mean if you really sit down and think about that…..Yeah that’s pretty far out there and I love it. I love that we go take pictures with some wooden bear we see on the side of the road. Then we proceed to name it the freedom bear and some how him and I have formed in alliance to fight the tyrant that rules your town under you arm. LOL Brooke I love you. Next we have some obsession with little dogs and people with their weird dogs whether they be some weird dog that happens to survive some nuclear bomb test and we have to turn around and drive by it three times so we can get a good look at it. Or dogs strapped in a harness to people's backs. Now thats weird. Then we like to race and wrestle in blockbuster and other stores. We make tunnels and snow castles, which I think is just cute... not weird. We have vortexes that lock us in our dorm rooms and tape our heads to the computer. We make songs up about things we see on the street. OOOOOooooo. You like to shake it. Yeah baby shake it. You wear a yellow rain suit when we go snowboarding. Play hangman over the phone. Not once but for like a couple of hours. Write coded emails. Your in the midst of building a cell phone tower out of hangers and bobby pins. We pull down trees in your backyard. You know what honey I know we already know we are each others best friends, but really we are! I mean just look at the stuff we do. We don’t just do boyfriend girlfriend/lovers stuff.  We play like we are in grade school and we go over each others house for play dates. Brooke you are amazing and I know we have the greatest relationship ever. It is just amazing and I love you so much. The list can go on and on baby so I'm going to continue it on another day. I love you. To definitely be continued….."

He wrote poems about my weird underarm town.  He wrote love poems and songs.  He wrote about how much he missed me while he was gone. 

Tonight

Tonight I go to sleep dreaming and thinking about you

Tonight I go to sleep praying and missing you 

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

So I close my eyes and see you there smiling at me tonight

So I close my eyes and pretend your next me

As I go to sleep tonight missing you

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Counting the days till we’ll be together again

Counting the days till we’ll be together again

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Starting to drift and seeing me there kissing your tender lips

I wipe my eyes and cry because I go to sleep missing you tonight

He wrote and he wrote and he wrote.  I am blessed.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  He reminded me of true love and it always comes at the exact perfect time.  I know he is here.  Always.  

I love you Frankie.  Forever.  

"How I know that what we have is like nothing else and to describe it in the very least is to call it love." -Frankie Toner IV

Live For Today

LIVE FOR TODAY

 The other day all of the clocks had to be changed because of daylight savings.  I was driving to the gym with a friend when he reached over and proceeded to change the time in my truck to reflect the actual time.  It was set 3 hours behind.  It has not been changed since the clock was set back in November of 2006 to Hawaii Time by Frankie when we moved there as a newly married couple.  I don't know why I never changed the clock...I just didn't.  My reaction gave it away immediately...and I just said something along the lines of, "you have no idea how big that is." He stopped mid change and was like..."ohhhhh crap."  I had to finish it because he felt terrible and I changed the minutes to reflect the actual time.  I assured him it was okay.  He still felt awful.  I realized instantly that the clock should no longer be set in the past.  It doesn't need to reflect the 10 minutes faster that Frankie set all of our clocks to to try and trick his mind in the morning and get us places on time. Me, being habitually late, learned from Frankie, "5 minutes early is on time; On time is late; and 5 minutes late is unacceptable."  :)

The clock set back in time does not bring back the amazing memories or moments that I am eternally grateful for. The clocks need to be set to now.  I'm ready for it.  Life is now...life is moving forward.  Time doesn't stop, even when it has felt like it should have.  The clock keeps ticking.  I'm thankful for my past and I'm looking forward to the future...whatever it brings.  Life is good.  Live for today. 

Oh! The Places You'll Go!

I miss him so much today it hurts.  I have tried to be strong, and I have tried to remember his promises to me, but even the strongest can be broken.  So, I watched a video that always helps me get through my hard days. 

It is a video of Frankie from Afghanistan.  He is reading me a children's book, by Dr. Seuss.  Most people know of it.  I have always really loved it.  I think it is some of his best work.  I think it is simple, and applies to life in many ways.  Frankie knew how much I liked it. 

While in Afghanistan, Florence B. Choe, who was killed with Frankie set up an amazing program on her base where the forces could read books to their children at home via video, and send it in a disk format.  She did it for her very own 3 year old daughter.  I know it will be something that her daughter must cherish, and will forever. 

Frankie, always thoughtful, read a book for me.  Oh! The Places You'll Go.  He added in his own personality, and it truly is one of my favorite videos of him.  He says things throughout it that remind me that he will always be with me no matter what.  Maybe you will catch it at the end of this clip. 

I know he is with me.  I know he feels when I am sad.  I know today he has been by my side.  I know I will see him again.  And I know he has helped me hurt a little less today. 

I love you Frankie.  Thank you for giving me strength, when it feels like I have none. 

Valentine's Schmalentine's?

Tonight after a looong day, I had to stop at the store to pick up a few things before heading home.  With Valentines Day coming up, and all the pink and red that vomited in the store, I was reminded that it was time to get Frankie a card.  (It has continued to be a habit of mine to pick out the perfect cards for him on holidays and other random special days).  As I was looking for just the right one, or three, a guy walked by and said....
“Trust me, It’s overrated.” 
All I could think was....trust me...It is not. 

Every day you get to spend with a loved one is special, but a day set apart to remind you, and treat the one person in your life just a little more special is not overrated in my book.  Frankie and I treated everyday like it was special and often said “Every day is a day for love.” 
Our last Valentine’s Day together was in 2008 in Hawaii.  It fell on our Thursday night where we would shut out the world, get pizza and sorbet and catch up on all of our TV shows.  We stayed in, homemade a heart shaped buffalo chicken pizza (it was so delicious), gave one another our cards, and enjoyed another day of love. 
Not one second is overrated....not one.  Not even when he is not here and I continue to buy him cards, breathe, live and feel his love. 

So, have a beautiful Valentine's Day and treat everyone you love in your life a little more special.  And then remember to do it more often!  Every day is a day for love!

P.S. Happy New Year

Plus, Just wanted to say, I am glad to be back to blogger.  :)  It has been waaaayyyy too long!
My 2012 in review via pinterest.  It was an interesting year.  I learned a lot, and I am ready to take on 2013 with no regrets.  Time to make new mistakes and keep on keepin' on! :)

The Love of a Father

I recently saw the movie Les Miserables.  I had seen the Broadway show twice while living in NY, but this song really got me during the movie in a way I never understood before.  
Called "Bring Him Home" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaI9BPKhExk
I had to hold back sobs.  I let tears roll down my face....in public! Which is not a usual thing for me to do.  It made me think of my dad, and it made think about my relationship with God.  It made me think of how much they both love me.  How much my dad has been here for me.  How much he wishes it was him who had been in Frankie's place.  He has said it again and again. It made me think of how he caught me in his arms as I fell to the floor on the worst day of my life.  How he sobbed for me that day, when two men had to come tell me my husband was killed and personally see his daughters heart shatter.  How he held my arm as I saw Frankie's coffin for the first time, and continued to hold it as we followed the caisson and band that led the way to where Frankie was placed in the ground.  How he has taken care of me since then. My dad...He is just such an amazing person and I am so thankful for him.  
I have had some serious God issues since Frankie died.  And I am finding my way back to Him.  He is my Father in Heaven, and I know he cares for me the same way my own Father does.  Even though it sometimes feels like he didn't hear my prayers, my Dad's prayers, our friends and family's prayers, I know that he is still there and waiting for me to forgive him. Him and Frankie are watching out for me, and reminding me of who I am and what I need to be doing.  I will keep trying.  I hope Frankie is there and I hope he is in the best of care.  I know he must be.  Because, with my Dad, I am.  So, I can only imagine what it must be like for him.  

I have the love of some pretty incredible men. 

Not only mine and Frankie's smiles, but check out my Dad's!

I know my Dad was so honored to be at Frankie's Silver Star Ceremony 

God on high  

Hear my prayer  

In my need  

You have always been there  

He is young  

He's afraid 

Let him rest  

Heaven blessed.  

Bring him home  

Bring him home  

Bring him home.  

He's like the son I might have known  

If God had granted me a son.  

The summers die One by one. 

 How soon they fly 

On and on  

And I am old  

And will be gone. 

Bring him peace  

Bring him joy 

He is young  

He is only a boy  

You can take  

You can give  

Let him be  

Let him live  

If I die  

Let me die

Read more: LES MISERABLES - BRING HIM HOME LYRICS

He lives on.

Some days, I get messages from Frankie’s old friends telling me how much he meant to them.  They are always special encounters or stories that I often know from Frankie telling me, and they often just confirm what I already know.  They mostly just tell me about Frankie’s heart, and his love for them and all those around them and how he lives on in them and will always be a reminder to them to be a better person.  Rarely do I cry when I read theses messages, but Chiabella was lucky.  She knew a side of Frankie that not everyone got to hear or know of.  She knew of his sruggles.  She knew that his soul was magic, and special, and unrepeatable. Her message was full of caring and her own personal loss and grief.  It was full of heart.  I am glad Frankie knew you in his life Chiabella.

Thank you for these lyrics, and I cannot wait to hear the song! 

I always thought
that angels were up in heaven
I thought they were sent down to us
But I was wrong
And now I know
You’re walking the earth with me
Amongst the angels
Cuz they are the ones in need
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Cuz you live on in me

They lowered a flag
To honor you
But I’ll raise it every day
To remember
Cuz we're the ones who need you
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Cuz you live on in me

I know you’re strolling through oak groves
smelling the ocean in the breeze
With the stars in your eyes
And the stripes on your sleeves
I know you’re more than a memory

You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven
I know you’re more than a memory
Because you live on in me
You were saving lives on earth
Now you’re saving souls in heaven

Death is not the end of love

"I crawl my way back in your head
To hear you speak and dream again
To touch your lips from deep within
A bit like love and heroin
Across the grave invite the bands
Carry well when the world ends
Across you lay, I lose you when you're in my arms
Just like the wind

It's not over, over, over.....It's not over, over, over" - Angels & Airwaves - Crawl Lyrics

The Lonely

I hate the holidays. 
I'm trying so hard, and I don't understand this.  I miss Frankie, I miss our life.  I miss feeling like I belong to something absolutely incredible here on earth, and like I have to wait to be complete again until I die.
I am lonely.  I know everyone will say, but you are never alone...he is always there.  I know that, but sometimes missing him just takes over, and I cannot shake that painful feeling.

Christina Perri: The Lonely

Missing U

Sunday nights.  There is something that makes this night of the week unbearable.  It is a culmination of all the other nights of the week added up without him.  It was one of our favorite nights of the week, where after church we would usually pack a lunch and take a stroll down to Lanikai beach, and read our favorite books, or just sit and look out at our favorite place together.

We would go home, and usually head outside to barbecue a delicious dinner and play phase 10.  We would just laugh and talk and stare at the stars after eating.  Sometimes we would take a dip in the pool.  And then we would wind up the night relaxed on the couch or cuddled up in bed ready for another week to start. 

I miss our Sundays.  I miss every day...but Sundays were always just ours.

Links, links and more links to Frankie's Silver Star Ceremony!

“The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example.   ~Benjamin Disraeli

Watch:

Frankie's Silver Star Video

On September 23, 2011 Frankie received the Silver Star.  This medal was well deserved, and I am so proud of him receiving it!  Words really cannot accurately describe that day.  It was beautifully done, and everything went so smoothly, which I have the amazing Civil Engineer Corps Headquarters in D.C. to thank for it going off without a hitch.  Admiral Mullen, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, presented the award to Frankie.  Him and his wife Debbie have been an amazing support system to me, and I have been fortunate to become rather close to them.  Frankie has made some amazing things happen, and meeting them was one of them. The ties I have made with people since Frankie's death has been incredible.  Somehow he still manages to bring amazing people together and I know that these meetings have not happened by circumstance.  Frankie somehow managed to bring all of our paths together and I am continually proud to call him my husband, my soul-mate, my best friend, and the best person that I have ever met.

A nice news article:

http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=65448

Full video of the presentation: 

Part I: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRnURmNm8SE

Part II:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJu74-7mbjI

This was a day to never forget, and I am just so proud of Frankie. 

 

OK! Fine... I'll admit it:  

I literally have so much to blog about, but lately have been lacking any motivation to do it.  I don't know what my problem is, or what is going on with me, but it was like I was hit by a giant wave of reality and grief, and pain, and missing Frankie like crazy.  Enough to actually knock me down and make me not want to leave my bed for a week.

I feel so strange lately, and like I am letting everyone including myself down, but I feel immobile, and stagnant, and like I have been ignoring the reality of how much I hurt.  It was just over three years ago we said our last farewells in person, and I put Frankie on a plane to head over to Afghanistan.  6 months later, he was placed in the ground, and then life stopped for a while.  Little things in between have kept me going, of course Frankie's love, other amazing widows and friends, my puppy, my dad, and sisters...but every time I actually pause to think about things...It just makes me realize how huge this is, and how much of my life was ripped away from me in a moment..How much my life is never, ever going to be what I expected it to be.  It has made me doubt a lot of things, and made me want to throw in the towel.

But, I know that I won't, I haven't.  I just needed a week of pain and sadness to remind me that I am still alive, and still feeling every moment of grief, love, hurt, life, happiness, and allowing it to creep in even though Frankie will not be able to be here physically with me.  I sometimes push that pain and grief side away from me.  I hate that feeling of drowning, and being knocked down by waves of reality, I hate feeling sorry for myself or miserable.  I am really good at pasting on a smile and being pleasant, when I feel like I want to die.  But sometimes, I need to let it overcome me, to remind me of why I am still here, and what I need to do.

"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

5 Years

Frankie's Grammy is amazing. She was the first family member I met of Frankie's. Her and Grandpa Roger. They have so much love for one another, and I loved Grammy's hugs and Grandpa Roger's winks when he would tease me. Less than a year into dating Frankie, Grandpa Roger had surgery, and unexpectedly died during his recovery. He loved Frankie so much. He attended every Kings Point football game of Frankie's, and spent summer's with him when Frankie was young. He adored him.

Grammy, Frankie's siblings, cousins, and Grandpa peeking through

Grandpa Rogers funeral was only the 3rd I had ever attended and the only one where I really knew the person. He was an amazing man, with an amazing love.  I remember feeling so sad for Grammy knowing that the love they shared was one she would wait for until she saw him again.

Frankie stood and spoke at the funeral service wearing his academy uniform that Grandpa Roger was so proud to see him in.  Grandpa Roger served in World War II. Frankie and I spoke with him about his military service only once. We were out at one of his favorite steak restaurants, and we asked him about that time. Grandpa Roger told us his duty was on the front lines running the communication lines for the men fighting so they could keep in contact with one another. He was literally one of the first ones heading into battle. We saw his eyes glaze over with tears, and could almost see the images that he must have seen, but he did not talk about them. Ever. 

I think of him and Grammy often. I thought of Grandpa Roger during our wedding and felt his love there with us. I think of them on our wedding anniversary because every time I look at my ring, I think of the true love they share and the love I share with Frankie. They both gave us the most amazing gift. The gift of a true example of what it means to love eternally.  Grammy gave me her wedding band with a note just before Frankie and I got married. I wear it with so much pride, and always will. 

Grammy knows how much love Frankie and I share. She gave me another gift right after Frankie's funeral. It is a necklace with a swallow on it from a company called DoDo. It's meaning: Come back to me

One of my favorite quotes I have lived by since Frankie died reminds me of this necklace:

"Be like a bird

That pausing in her flight

A while on boughs to light,

Feels them give way

Beneath her and yet sings,

Knowing that she hath wings." 

-Victor Hugo

I know Frankie cannot come back to me physically.  Although, I hope on occasion he is able to see what I am up to and is able be here in spirit.
There is one thing I have put my faith in on this beautiful journey of life. And that is that I am working my way back to Frankie --- I am growing wings, and moving forever forward in this life and beyond to be with him. I feel him saying Come back to me, my love.
I know the only way to do that is to put one foot in front of the other and live this life fully for not only myself, but for Frankie. To give to others, to keep my faith at the forefront, to exemplify happiness, joy and love, to make new goals and accomplish them even though it is very hard to do that sometimes, and to walk up these uneven, well-worn stairs of faith in this life in front of me.  

Forever forward, Forever upward, I keep telling myself. I will keep going. Until we meet again.  I'm coming back to you, my love ----and our reunion is going to be such an amazing one. 

Happy Anniversary baby, thank you for being the biggest blessing to me in my life, and beyond. 

BodyRocker

I am proud to be a BodyRocker! http://www.bodyrock.tv/

I wrote to Zuzana and Freddy, who I discovered last year, just to thank them for their amazing workouts they post online, and other great tips.  It has now become an everyday habit doing her awesome workouts.  She shared my e-mail online with the rest of the bodyrock community, and the support has been so incredible.  I am so thankful for the motivation that this has given me to accomplish all of my workout goals.

I have loved reading all of the comments, and am so inspired by all of the people who I know are pushing themselves to be their best all around the world, and who I know will continue to motivate me.  Feeling good....Now time to work it!! :) 



http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/07/11/brave-bodyrocker-brooke/

"A portion of your soul has been
entwined with mine
A gentle kind of togetherness, while
separately we stand.
As two trees deeply rooted in
separate plots of ground,
While their topmost branches
come together,
Forming a miracle of lace
against the heavens."

Baby, I have just been so thankful for your soul lately and all it has given me.  In the times where I have needed you the most, you have been here.  On the days, I just want to quit, you have gently reminded me that you are here.  I miss you so much, but in my soul you always stay.  You have found a way to reach into my heart and have kept me going strong and full of love and life.  And without you physically here, that in itself is a miracle. 
Together forever we will stand, and our souls will never part.

I am so in love with you.  You are my best-friend, my soul-mate, my heart.

I love you more and more with each setting sun, and I know you are with me always. 

Love, Your Wifey

Today

Today, I learned how to ride Frankie's motorcycle.  

Turning the key, and having it start was music to my ears after not hearing it for nearly three years.  

I am so happy he had the chance to have that before he died and that we lived every day to the fullest.  

Today I am thankful for great friends, and people who motivate me to be more and do more. 

Today I am thankful for finding out Frankie is receiving a Silver Star.  

A much deserved honor...

and even though it does not bring him back to me,

it just makes me even more proud (if that is even possible).  

Today I am blessed with an amazing family, who I love being around...even if it means staying in Idaho for a while. I am thankful that Idaho is actually growing on me...

Today, I am ready to take on new challenges and work hard for an amazing cause.  

Today --- and tomorrow, and the days that follow....I will be thankful, and I will be hopeful.

The Biggest Loser :)

Image and quote borrowed from American Widow Project's Weekend Wisdom.

“If you try anything, try to live, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don’t work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!”
-Sarah Dessen

Well....I didn't win the 12-week challenge.  Not even in my category.  I was somewhat disappointed, but proud at least to have made it to the finals.  I know that I am feeling better, and will continue to work hard at the goals I have set for myself. 

I have heard from several people that they thought I should have won, at least in my category, but I guess you can't force people to make the right decisions! :)  haha. I really did make a huge transformation, and am proud of where I am, and where I am headed. 

I am still as motivated as ever on this healthy lifestyle.  Although, in New Orleans I caved a couple of times eating things I probably shouldn't have....but man, that southern food.  And those macaroons...yummmmm! 

I have been through so much the past two years, that just signing up and completing the challenge was good enough for me.  (Shhhhh...hush down competitive side...Second place is not the first loser)! :) 

But really, it is so nice to see pictures of myself and not hate looking at it.  I felt so disgusting before and am glad that I am getting back to who I am, and in more ways than just weight loss....I am feeling more motivated in so many aspects of life, and that is what it is all about. 

I will take a picture of my before and after and may even consider posting it on here....maybe :) 

Renewed

I spent this past weekend in New Orleans with 14 other military widows.  I have had some time to process the whole weekend. and just wanted to share with you a little bit of what I have come away with from the AWP Give Back Getaway.

I was interviewed by CNN while we were doing work on a house for a woman named Tanya, who literally lost everything because of Hurricane Katrina.  She lost her home, her health, her financial means, and her community, all because of the devastating affects of a storm, and a breaking levee.

During the interview I was asked several questions, but the one that stood out was...How does coming and serving this community with the AWP help you with your loss?

At the time it was a difficult question to answer.  I knew the two were tied together, and I know that serving others helps to take my burdens away, but it was so much more than that.  Here we were...a group of 15 military widows, helping rebuild the life of another person.  We did not lose the roofs over our heads, but we did lose our sense of home, our sense of belonging and our sense of safety, when we lost the person who we love the most.

By helping Tanya rebuild her home together, we were rebuilding ourselves as well.  We were working together for the common good of humanity, and trying to get a sense of that goodness back as well.

When we went to a homecoming celebration for a family moving back in to their rebuilt home it all came together for me.  One of the St. Bernard Project volunteers was saying a few words and what he said really struck a chord.  He said that it was amazing that volunteers like us, nearly 6 years later were continuing to come to New Orleans and that we are the true heroes.  We are the ones who have not forgotten the people of New Orleans and their struggle.  In reality, it is not even myself or the other volunteers, it is the amazing people who envisioned the organization for volunteers to be able to continue to come make a difference with direction.  They saw the need, and their vision and heroic efforts made the St. Bernard Project what it is today. 
It made me think of how people so easily forget devastation.  If they are not directly affected by it, their lives move on just as they always did.  They might add it to their prayers, or just see it on the news the week afterwards, but then....Nothing.  It is tucked away in their minds and forgotten.  Even I do that, and did do that with Hurricane Katrina.  It took seeing it with my own eyes, the continuing struggle of the people there. 

Sometimes it feels the same way with the wars that we are fighting overseas.  One of my biggest fears is that people will just simply forget Frankie, and will not talk about him 5, 10, 15 years down the road.  And even though no one can heal me, or rebuild a home for me...they can mention him, talk about who he was when he was alive.  That is healing for me.  And the best people I have found to talk about him with are other military widows.  They have brought me back into this life, and taught me so much, and have made me realize that my journey is my own.  They have helped to sand away some of the rough edges that built up in my soul after Frankie was killed, and I know they will never forget, because they have experienced a loss as big as mine....

So, how did this weekend help me with my loss? It reminded me to keep hope, and to be positive, and to always look for the good in people just how Frankie always did, because somewhere along their path in life they have known struggle.  It reminded me that humanity still exists, and there is so much good to be done in this world...we just have to keep our minds and hearts open to it, and not forget about those around us.

I am so thankful for the American Widow Project.  It was truly inspired by love...true, unconditional love, that continues to be shared by all those who choose to be involved.

One of those days

I have so much to catch up on with blogging, like Frankie's amazing bridge, my 12-week challenge results, and getting through the two year anniversary, but I tried starting those blogs today and realized...

That today just sucks. There is no other way to put it.  I miss Frankie so much.  I laid down last night and felt so alone.  I woke up feeling the same way.  It has been hard to smile today, and to put on my happy face. 

It hurts today.  My whole being aches for for Frankie.  My void is so deep, that I feel like nothing can get me out of it.  But that is just today....Or is it?  Because tonight, I will go to sleep alone, and tomorrow I will wake up alone....
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next.

4 years and 8 months baby.  I miss our monthly wedding anniversary dates.  I hope tomorrow will be better.