I Want My Unicorn!

It has been a very long time since I have shared my life on this blog....

So, the last few years I have ventured out into the place I never pictured myself going.  It was something I pushed away after losing the love of my life because the thought disgusted me about trying to love someone else and if I was even capable of loving so fully again after experiencing such painful loss. Also, knowing full well, that I had near perfection/nay, perfection in a relationship, (seriously, like magical unicorns and fairies riding on rainbows. PERFECT) and knowing nothing could ever seem to match it. 

 

I got to a point however where I realized I could still be head over heels in love with Frankie, but I somehow let go of the the plan of having him here with me on earth and having the family that we had always planned on.  I let go.  I had to. 

I knew I could grow old all alone...but I was able to come to grips with the reality of...I don't want to. If it had been me who had died, I would have never wished that Frankie would continue to live without the things that we both desired the most. Including a loving relationship.

I want my unicorns, rainbows and fairies, damnit. 

 

I am a giver, a lover, and being in a loving relationship is one of the most pure, amazing, life embracing, selfless things a person can do.  It is by far the best thing I have done on this earth at this point in my life.  Being able to have pure joy with Frankie and making him so happy while he was here, and knowing that I was loved so unconditionally...makes me crave that. 

So....I jumped in feet first. 

Well, you know those stories you hear from other widows (who I love dearly)....that say, "My husband led me to him.  It was magic."  Wellllllll....unfortunately, I have not experienced that feeling.  If anything it has, sadly, been quite the opposite. 

I have had 3 relationships. 

3 terrible relationships that make me question why I had the feeling that I had to let go in the first place.  I jumped in, and realized that my pool was full of stinky, dirty, rocky sludge, just a little too late.  Three boys who not only used my kind, give the benefit of the doubt heart, and took its already shattered pieces, lit them on fire, danced around them, then got tired and peed on the ashes. 

Yeah, that's descriptive, I know.  But honestly, I have just given so much of me that at this point...there is not a whole lot left.  Sometimes I seriously believe the only way not to go through anymore of this and be with someone who loves me unconditionally is just to die. My love is in some other realm, that I simply think about being in every single day. 

So....the dirty details.  I know that you are dying to hear. (Let's be honest, I'm the only one who will probably read this). 

Relationship #1 used me and my generosity to a point that I don't even think sharing what he did or took from me is worth it.  I should have seen the red flags.  He liked the fact that I still wore my wedding ring because it meant other guys would not hit on me.  The first few months were good.  He was extremely jealous though and insecure because of his past relationship issues.  After 5/6 months he started showing his true colors.  He was just a grumpy human.  He was older than me, never married, didn't treat people well, and started accusing me of ridiculous things,  even searching through my computer history and other nonsense.  He had issues.  Issues I didn't want to deal with.  So, I called it quits.  He begged me to stay...he would change....No thanks dude.  You are mean.
 

And, I want my F*@cking rainbow!!! 

 

 #2 - Oh buddy, this relationship was a joke.  I went into this one rather fast after dating #1.  He worked with me and was the new hottie on the block.  I was just drawn to him.  He was outgoing, friendly and always up for a fun time.  I was too.  I didn't want anything serious.  He didn't want anything serious.  I just enjoyed his company and hanging out with him all the time.  We laughed a lot.  We did so much fun stuff together like fishing, volleyball, camping, working out and really just enjoyed our time together.  I'll just say this.  We never were official, but he was my best friend for a while. I loved his family, we spent most of our time together and I thought things were going well and could lead to something more serious... but he just wanted to have me around and thought I would stick because we were so close, but behind my back he decided he needed other girls.  A lot of girls....
What in the??? How do I go from being a man's one and only to this shit???  Not ok.  Fairy killer. :)

Hey douchebags!! I'm a widow, remember?? Who lost the love of her life in a tragic, heroic way? Who is putting her already broken heart on the line, just hoping someone will see her worth and love her! I have a lot of awesome love to give!

You know what is crazy though.  After the hurt I had been through, those two felt like little rubber band snaps to the heart.  Just a little flick...and then I was fine.  I got over it.  I obviously did not love them...they obviously were not right for me.  They had no respect for my heart.

#3.  This one is still pretty raw and fresh.  I'm heartbroken even.  Shattered again. This one really hurts...aches. Me and #3 were good, great even, but after a year and 1/2 of a really awesome relationship he decided that he wasn't sure if he could promise me the future I want.  I could say more, but all I know is that I feel deceived by this one.  He really let me believe that he truly loved me.  I saw a future with him. 

My walls instantly went back up at his indecisiveness. I went right back to a place I was at 6 years ago. 

F@ck dating!! Get out of my life now.

 I miss #3 terribly....but the crazy thing is, I miss Frankie more.  My heartache went instantly back to the love of my life.  The person I didn't ever have to settle with.  The MAN who knew my heart, my worth.  The man who was magic and our love was magic, and we both knew it.  The man who looked into my eyes and knew that he would always look into them and would never make them cry unless they were tears of joy.  The man who knew he wanted to spend eternity with me.  Who made a promise to God and me that he would spend his life doing just that.  The man who actually gave me rainbows on a daily basis in Hawaii...and heart clouds on my hardest days even after death.  Who wrote me love poems and rushed home to spend every wonderful second that we could together.

Frankie was my unicorn. :)

And now I know that magic for me has happened.  And if it only happens once.  I'm ok with that.  I have to be.

I gave the world of widow dating a fair shot. I'm done with it.

And for now...my heart needs to recover before I decide to just end my life to get back to my love. 

I do understand that I have some work to do on my grief.  I know that 6 years later it feels just as fresh.  I lost something so huge, and I don't need a replacement.  I knew every time in these three relationships that when they said the words, "I have such big shoes to fill"...that they didn't understand at all.  I did not compare them or expect a replacement.  I saw them all individually for who they were...and they simply ended up not being enough.  They need to fill their own shoes and know their own hearts and respect mine before they can promise me a future. 

So...for now I  need to just work on myself and somehow figure out my own magical fairyland. 

I know what Frankie and I used to say to one another still rings true, and that because of it I will be alright....

"With every setting sun my love grows for you....To the Love. A Hui Hou"

The Stories We Love Best Do Live In Us Forever

All I can say is that I feel truly blessed.  I found another gift.  I don't know how things keep popping up from Frankie, but they do. Whenever I have needed him the most, he is right there, reminding me and guiding me. I found a disk in his old movie collection that didn't look like much.  I almost went right past it without even another glance, until I found another collection of CD's I had made for him that included the list of songs and titles.  I thought, why not? I'll throw in the backup CD.  So, I looked through some of his old files from his computer and found resume's, homework, letters of recommendation.

And then, there was one folder called: "future" and within that was one titled: "Brooke"

And then, staring me in the face were words I had never read before...to me, from Frankie.  I thought I had read every poem, card, thought or love song that was to be written by Frankie.  And was I ever wrong.  He had written sooooo much more that he was going to give to me over time.  I'm not sure when, but I am sure on special occasions.  He wrote me while we were dating and he was out to sea.  He wrote of what it felt like the first time he held my hand.  He wrote about the first time we kissed.  He wrote about all of our amazing adventures and when I'm saying he wrote about them, he put in details.  Like how the stars shone on a certain night, and the temperatures, the dew on the grass or how the moonlight would shine on my face.  And it brought it all back like a flood.  I suddenly remembered the moments that have gotten hazy.  I remembered the things that have seemed to have disappeared from my memory over time.  I remembered it all. Our beautiful, amazing, magical love.  It was so rare, and so special.  I remembered.....I never forgot....but it made it new again.

He wrote jokes, and said, "I thought maybe you would like to hear a joke baby. That’s one of my favorite things in the world is making you laugh and you making me laugh. I love you."

He wrote about how he knew he was planning on asking me to be his wife.  He wrote about all the places we used to make-out at when we first started dating.  :)  He wrote about all the silly and weird things that we used to do.  We were soooo weird! haha! But lucky in love! Here is an example of some of what he wrote: 

"Today I was just thinking about some of the little weird things about us.

Yep the first thing that comes to mind is your town. I am not sure how it even started, but its hilarious that you some how have a town under your arm that is ruled by a tyrant. I mean if you really sit down and think about that…..Yeah that’s pretty far out there and I love it. I love that we go take pictures with some wooden bear we see on the side of the road. Then we proceed to name it the freedom bear and some how him and I have formed in alliance to fight the tyrant that rules your town under you arm. LOL Brooke I love you. Next we have some obsession with little dogs and people with their weird dogs whether they be some weird dog that happens to survive some nuclear bomb test and we have to turn around and drive by it three times so we can get a good look at it. Or dogs strapped in a harness to people's backs. Now thats weird. Then we like to race and wrestle in blockbuster and other stores. We make tunnels and snow castles, which I think is just cute... not weird. We have vortexes that lock us in our dorm rooms and tape our heads to the computer. We make songs up about things we see on the street. OOOOOooooo. You like to shake it. Yeah baby shake it. You wear a yellow rain suit when we go snowboarding. Play hangman over the phone. Not once but for like a couple of hours. Write coded emails. Your in the midst of building a cell phone tower out of hangers and bobby pins. We pull down trees in your backyard. You know what honey I know we already know we are each others best friends, but really we are! I mean just look at the stuff we do. We don’t just do boyfriend girlfriend/lovers stuff.  We play like we are in grade school and we go over each others house for play dates. Brooke you are amazing and I know we have the greatest relationship ever. It is just amazing and I love you so much. The list can go on and on baby so I'm going to continue it on another day. I love you. To definitely be continued….."

He wrote poems about my weird underarm town.  He wrote love poems and songs.  He wrote about how much he missed me while he was gone. 

Tonight

Tonight I go to sleep dreaming and thinking about you

Tonight I go to sleep praying and missing you 

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

So I close my eyes and see you there smiling at me tonight

So I close my eyes and pretend your next me

As I go to sleep tonight missing you

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Counting the days till we’ll be together again

Counting the days till we’ll be together again

All I want tonight is to have you by my side

All I want tonight is to be with my baby girl

Starting to drift and seeing me there kissing your tender lips

I wipe my eyes and cry because I go to sleep missing you tonight

He wrote and he wrote and he wrote.  I am blessed.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  He reminded me of true love and it always comes at the exact perfect time.  I know he is here.  Always.  

I love you Frankie.  Forever.  

"How I know that what we have is like nothing else and to describe it in the very least is to call it love." -Frankie Toner IV

Live For Today

LIVE FOR TODAY

 The other day all of the clocks had to be changed because of daylight savings.  I was driving to the gym with a friend when he reached over and proceeded to change the time in my truck to reflect the actual time.  It was set 3 hours behind.  It has not been changed since the clock was set back in November of 2006 to Hawaii Time by Frankie when we moved there as a newly married couple.  I don't know why I never changed the clock...I just didn't.  My reaction gave it away immediately...and I just said something along the lines of, "you have no idea how big that is." He stopped mid change and was like..."ohhhhh crap."  I had to finish it because he felt terrible and I changed the minutes to reflect the actual time.  I assured him it was okay.  He still felt awful.  I realized instantly that the clock should no longer be set in the past.  It doesn't need to reflect the 10 minutes faster that Frankie set all of our clocks to to try and trick his mind in the morning and get us places on time. Me, being habitually late, learned from Frankie, "5 minutes early is on time; On time is late; and 5 minutes late is unacceptable."  :)

The clock set back in time does not bring back the amazing memories or moments that I am eternally grateful for. The clocks need to be set to now.  I'm ready for it.  Life is now...life is moving forward.  Time doesn't stop, even when it has felt like it should have.  The clock keeps ticking.  I'm thankful for my past and I'm looking forward to the future...whatever it brings.  Life is good.  Live for today. 

Oh! The Places You'll Go!

I miss him so much today it hurts.  I have tried to be strong, and I have tried to remember his promises to me, but even the strongest can be broken.  So, I watched a video that always helps me get through my hard days. 

It is a video of Frankie from Afghanistan.  He is reading me a children's book, by Dr. Seuss.  Most people know of it.  I have always really loved it.  I think it is some of his best work.  I think it is simple, and applies to life in many ways.  Frankie knew how much I liked it. 

While in Afghanistan, Florence B. Choe, who was killed with Frankie set up an amazing program on her base where the forces could read books to their children at home via video, and send it in a disk format.  She did it for her very own 3 year old daughter.  I know it will be something that her daughter must cherish, and will forever. 

Frankie, always thoughtful, read a book for me.  Oh! The Places You'll Go.  He added in his own personality, and it truly is one of my favorite videos of him.  He says things throughout it that remind me that he will always be with me no matter what.  Maybe you will catch it at the end of this clip. 

I know he is with me.  I know he feels when I am sad.  I know today he has been by my side.  I know I will see him again.  And I know he has helped me hurt a little less today. 

I love you Frankie.  Thank you for giving me strength, when it feels like I have none. 

Valentine's Schmalentine's?

Tonight after a looong day, I had to stop at the store to pick up a few things before heading home.  With Valentines Day coming up, and all the pink and red that vomited in the store, I was reminded that it was time to get Frankie a card.  (It has continued to be a habit of mine to pick out the perfect cards for him on holidays and other random special days).  As I was looking for just the right one, or three, a guy walked by and said....
“Trust me, It’s overrated.” 
All I could think was....trust me...It is not. 

Every day you get to spend with a loved one is special, but a day set apart to remind you, and treat the one person in your life just a little more special is not overrated in my book.  Frankie and I treated everyday like it was special and often said “Every day is a day for love.” 
Our last Valentine’s Day together was in 2008 in Hawaii.  It fell on our Thursday night where we would shut out the world, get pizza and sorbet and catch up on all of our TV shows.  We stayed in, homemade a heart shaped buffalo chicken pizza (it was so delicious), gave one another our cards, and enjoyed another day of love. 
Not one second is overrated....not one.  Not even when he is not here and I continue to buy him cards, breathe, live and feel his love. 

So, have a beautiful Valentine's Day and treat everyone you love in your life a little more special.  And then remember to do it more often!  Every day is a day for love!